Goldie slays sleepy students in the “Hunger Games” therapy group. graphic by Conner Maggio

#5: Create more YA therapy groups

Head back to the excitement of your childhood by joining therapy groups based on popular dystopian YA novels.

Let’s make more YA (young adult) novel-themed therapy groups. Bring on the love triangles, dystopian societies and identity-based factions!

Admittedly, the “Harry Potter”-themed group therapy idea was brilliant, and the positive effects it had on students should be celebrated. Personally, I think “Defense Against the Dark Thots,” is a brilliant title. But with the massive hole in funding for the mental health of the average student, TU will have to continue to be creative in finding ways to meet the needs of its population, since cutting funding from sports is out of the question.

Since individual therapy sessions for the hundreds of students on campus with mental health needs would be costly, group therapy was the proposed solution.

I say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. As long as TU can only afford a couple counselors at a time, and apparently there is no way around this, bring on the YA!

“Divergent” therapy would be an awesome start. For those unfamiliar with the story, a young girl has to choose between five factions to commit to for life. But she finds out she could never fit into just one.

Students could relieve their stress by exploring TU’s five undergraduate colleges: Business, Arts and Sciences, Engineering and Natural Sciences, Health Sciences and Petroleum Sciences.
In a fun adventure, the group could then band together to escape over a giant wall that surrounds Tulsa, all while fighting a dystopian government that looks hauntingly similar to our own. Talk about team building!

Next, did someone say “The Hunger Games”?

There is no healthier way to get out undergraduates’ violent, pent-up aggression than to keep them trapped on campus with bronze-age weapons. Students representing each living space on campus can confront lethal combat, and youthful hormones for student entertainment.

Some critics may point out that if TU can’t afford more than one counselor for every 1,650 students, there is no way they could manage turning TU into a giant death arena with its own ecosystem. But there is an easy solution: this therapy group will be advertised as a sporting event. TUTV will do the broadcasting, and re-runs of past seasons will be posted on CaneFlix.

Last, the “Maze Runner” therapy group should be a cornerstone of this initiative. The James Dashner series fills in the missing piece of the YA puzzle: zombies.

Since zombies made a late appearance, not becoming a notable threat until the second book, the group will do some preliminary trials to prep. Most of these involve navigating love triangles, taking down dystopian governments and overcoming giant walls. YA stuff.

But once the zombies hit, this therapy group will be awesome. Especially considering the apocalyptic state of the budget crisis right now; the dirty clothes and second-rate weapons fit the aesthetic.

The therapy group will gather machetes and shotguns and slay the hordes of sleep-deprived students on their way to classes to put them out of their misery. The slayers get therapy the school can afford, the slayed can sleep for the first time in a few years and the school can cut costs on mental health. Win-win-win situation.

But of course YA can only take us so far. Stay tuned for smut novel therapy next year

Post Author: Brennen Gray