The millennial effect on consumerism over time. Pan-Am reaches new low: the Kim Kardashian level. graphic by Conner Maggio

5 more surprising things that millennials killed

Millennials are at it again, and you’ll never believe what they killed this time!

Every time you look at a newspaper (or Facebook or Apple News or the back of milk cartons or whatever you use for news), millennials are killing something else. The list goes on and on. Applebee’s, starter homes, napkins, cereal, golf, motorcycles, fabric softener, designer handbags, gyms, home improvement stores, football and oil. And that’s just from one list! However, that list is not complete. Millennials are killers, and they take joy in decimating people’s livelihoods. Here are more crazy things they have killed:

As you may know, not that long ago, alcohol was illegal. But where there’s a will, there’s a way, and with the American people, there’s always a way. Americans decided to take alcohol on the DL and have illegal bars in back rooms and open fields. Millennials went to a speakeasy one time and accidentally posted it on Instagram, and welp, that was the end of that.

The stock market (twice!)
We already know that millennials don’t buy anything anymore — they just sell sell sell, and there’s nowhere this is better showcased than the stock market. Millennials had money in the stock market, and when they realized that they had made money, they sold faster than the latest iPhone. For once, millennials weren’t poor.

At first glance, Pan-Am, the fancy airline where every flight is posher than the Kardashians think they are, seems like something millennials could get behind. Unfortunately, someone didn’t tell millennials that they couldn’t wear yoga pants on planes and had to wear heels. When someone said Chacos weren’t allowed, all the millennials revolted, and here we are.

Even though millennials are a bigger fan of dark mode than your mom is of the biggest size of text possible on her iPhone, for some reason, the fact that the board was dark couldn’t make up for the fact that you actually had to buy chalk, like, all the time. Millennials are lazy, and they couldn’t get behind a form of writing on a board that requires leaving their house often. They flocked to dry erase boards, squealing that they can use sooooooo many colors, and that was the end of the chalkboard industry.

China plates
When millennials realized that china plates looked pretty, but they were so much work, the end of the china plate industry became inevitable. Honestly, who expected plates that were only for show instead of actually being used? How could millennials know that they also required hand washing-the bane of every millennial? No one that actually remembered millennials existed.

So as you can tell, millennials are actually The Worst People Ever™, and the media is obviously right to blame them for everything. I mean, can you, like, imagine what the world would be like if we still had tons of chalkboards (right, Lottie)? A much better place for sure. So next time you see a millennial, don’t forget to tell them how awful they are for killing so many things.

Post Author: Hannah Robbins