The Kraken hanging out in her new home. Graphic by Conner Maggio

#9: Make campus less accessible for all students

Students are far too free to just walk around campus willy-nilly. Here are nine ideas to prevent students from getting around campus.

The University of Tulsa campus stands as an example for mediocre accessibility. To solve this problem, the school needs to put in the effort to be extraordinary; we must make campus less accessible in every way we can. Below lies a list of suggestions that would fit our home.

1. Put a moat around ACAC. After renaming the building to its true acronym, TU must execute the next step in improving the facility. By encircling it with a medieval-style trench of water, students would never get to eat Chic-Fil-A again. Throw some sharks in there, a couple alligators, and we have a new and improved ACAC.

2. Turn every tree into a Womping Willow. Wingardian Levio-suck-it, guys. Genetically engineering them cannot compare to real magic. Not only does this make the avenue of trees to the south of the library the best obstacle course ever, but the possibilities are unlimited for cooler UA tours.

3. Replace the library patio with a pit of spikes. Much of the hole for this one is already dug out. Just expand it to the whole patio and add a rope-swing. Any student unable to channel their inner Tarzan would be skewered.

4. Replace all stairs and elevators with fireman’s poles. Add some Crisco for lube, maybe some flame-throwings along the elevator shafts, and there we go. Added points for allowing professors to take students to their offices with a hearty “To the Batcave, Robin!

5. Require students to solve “Legend of Zelda” puzzles to enter buildings. We need complex puzzles one can only solve by being a highly intelligent elf-boy with an impossibly extensive tool belt. Considering that describes like 50 percent of mechanical engineers, this one may be ineffective.

6. Replace the Keplinger fountain with a Kraken. It may sound like it would not be in the way since nobody walks on the fountain, but the Kraken could grab students walking from ACAC to Keplinger and eat them for lunch. What a spectacle! The only problem is trying to afford a container large enough hold the monster. Plus, TU would have to pay someone to shout, “Release the Kraken!” which is not what we need in this budget crisis.

7. Electrify the sidewalks. Students could also plug their phones and laptops in to charge them. But make no mistake, it would still add to campus inaccessibility. Picture playing campus-wide “The Floor is Lava,” only within our budget.

8. Death Star. Do it.

9. Add Super Mario Bullet Bill cannons to the Old U. Students walking to class would have to avoid slow-moving masses of metal with angry faces painted on them. Given the inability for these to stop even a single Italian plumber, this one may not pass.

10. Turn Stephenson into a real-life “Doom” video game. Give every student a pixelated gun and let hell break loose! Sorry if this idea is infernal, I thought it was sure-fire. Too many hell puns? Damn.

Post Author: Brennen Gray