A guide to bidets on campus

If you’re new to TU and are still getting the hang of things, or have been here for years and still don’t know what the hell you’re doing, then either you’re majoring in organic chemistry or this article’s for you! Listen up, ever heard of a bidet toilet? If not, google it, take a second to process that they’re a thing, come back, and make sure you’re sitting down, possibly on a bidet, because that’s right…TU’s got ‘em!
Yep, there are confirmed to be at least four bidet locations on campus including John Mabee, Hardesty, Lottie Jane and the Reynolds Center. Though it is rumored that deep within the underground TU tunnels, there lies a mysterious, jewel encrusted Mayan bidet presumed to be the first one ever created. It is also rumored to house the soul of a witch doctor to keep it from clogging. Super cursed and stuff though, 3/10.
Before I begin the instructions, for those of you who have never experienced a bidet, your feeling of uncertainty is understandable. But I assure you that there is nothing to fear but fear and social persecution itself. Now to the good stuff…
1.) Preparation
The mechanism is very simple, once you sit down there is a control panel to your right, the seat belt is attached to the bottom, the overhead display will descend from the ceiling, the gear shift and control knob should extend from the floor but sometimes it gets stuck, and the fire extinguisher is in the corner.
2.) Operation
To operate the bidet, all you need is a graphing calculator and the user manual provided in the seat compartment to adjust the settings to your preference. Once you’ve made your calculations, simply pick your aim to be front or back (refer to diagrams) and adjust the pressure as needed. It ranges from 1-5, 1 being like a water fountain and 5 being the infamous Los Angeles St. Francis dam failure of 1928.
3.) Completion
Before beginning the completion process, you should allow water flow for at least 20-25 minutes or until somebody comes in and you get embarrassed. Once you’ve let the sweet tides of Eden cleanse your unmentionables to sparkling perfection, you’re ready to enter the drying stage. Unlike the other steps, this one’s a little tricky because the dryer button is the last one in the row and it’s kinda far away so you have to like turn a little bit to reach it. Then simply wait for the dryer to do its job and you’re good to go. There is also toilet paper included in the stall in case you need to dry a little more or you wimp out and use it like a regular toilet.
Well there you have it! A guide to bidets on campus, or what I wanted to call it, Three Truly Trendy Tricks To A Totally Taintless Tush. Proof that college students have a lot more in common with the elderly and handicapped than you thought.