An open letter to whoever seizes power from me

As the semester draws to a close, I find myself pondering the inevitable decline of my reign as the Chief Propagandist. The nature of my power is such that it is only limited by two things: death and public opinion. Since I have a monopoly on public opinion, I really only need to worry about death.

You see, reader, power in the State-Run Media is not handed down. It is seized, suddenly and violently from the lifeless hands of the old guard. Today, I am that old guard.

I have been mentally preparing myself for this for months. I feel that I have very little time left, and as one last act of malice, I would like to extend some advice to whomever manages to depose me.

First of all, exercise your power frequently and for unpredictable reasons. No one wants to live under a wimpy, peace-and-love regime. After all, you don’t pay the secret police to sit around all night, not making people disappear.

Second, strike fear into the hearts of your enemies, friends, subordinates and family members. If you follow step one, this shouldn’t be a problem. If people don’t hesitate to make eye contact with posters of you, you aren’t doing your job right.

Third, silence dissenters. I’m serious about this. Somebody speaks against you? Send ‘em to the gulag. Looks at you funny? Gulag. Did their spouse say something unflattering about you? Straight to the gulag. No trial, no nothin’. Gulag all the way.

Fourth, you have got to deal with the Collegian people. I know, I know. You quite literally clawed your way to the top, and you don’t like the thought of having to deal with a bunch of truth-and-justice types who get upset about flagrant abuses of power. But it’s worth it, I promise. Having friends in the media is a huge advantage, even if you are the media.

Lastly, don’t make the same mistake I did. Do not, under any circumstances, reveal the secret location of

Editor’s note: Unfortunately, Mr. Kastner was not able to finish this letter, as he died suddenly and under very normal, non-mysterious circumstances before he was able to complete it. It’s a good thing I was here to publish this anyway. — Caitlin Woods

Post Author: tucollegian

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