Little Rebekka Jenkins with her “woke” mommy. graphic by Emma Palmer

Anti-Vaxx, Pro-Zombie rally

White California moms stage protest to fight their fascist overlords.

Early Tuesday morning, hundreds of anti-vaxx parents materialized in the California State Capitol in protest of the recently proposed bill that would make the immunization of children mandatory. We were able to exclusively speak to several of these picketing parents.

One such parent, Aimmee Khai-Leigh Smith, is a self proclaimed trophy wife and stay-at-home mom who gathered her Book ‘n’ Brunch Club to protest the new bill.

Smith said, “Five years ago, my daughter died from smallpox. We took her body to a homeopathic doctor who was able to bring her back as a zombie. Now she’s better than ever! She never gets sick, but sometimes we have to take her to a chiropractor to reset her bones from, you know, the decay. Anyway, I can’t wait for the same thing to happen to my son!”

Another member of the book club, Madeline Martha Mackenzie said, “I sacrificed my half-price mimosas and avocado toast at Sunny Side Up to be here protecting my children from these fascist overlords enforcing autism!” She then proceeded to take up 75 minutes of my busy schedule explaining how to get to Sunny Side Up.

Another mom, Jessieighkah Aliviyah Newton-John, interrupted Mackenzie’s directions to give us her opinion.

Newton-John said, “The Nazis are killing our kids with mercury! I don’t pay $100,000 a year to send my precious punkin to Saint Alphonsus Mary Antony John Cosmas Damian Michael Gaspard de’ Liguori the Patron Saint of Confessors Preparatory Academy just so Michelle Obama and her Nazi buddies running our country can poison them with mercury! And, another thing, if we keep giving pregnant women vaccines our future children will all get schizophrenia, and I’m not about to let that happen!”

(These women were adamant that their full names be used.)

Many of the protestors brought their zombified children with them. Others had signs with such phrases as “Nazis are killing our children” and “My zombie child is better than your autistic one.”

Two hours into the rally, one of the zombie children got loose and attacked a police officer. Luckily, the other officers were prepared for this inevitable event and detained and isolated both the officer and the child in the governor’s office. We later found out that during this containment the governor had been cowering under his desk. Unfortunately, the zombie child and police officer were able to penetrate his defenses, and the governor is now a zombie.

California has since been put under martial law until a new governor can be appointed and all the zombies can be head-shotted.

With this news, I have decided to run for governor of California in complete support of anti-vaxxers and their zombie children. My first act as governor will be to make vaccines illegal, eliminate all medical doctors, and outlaw all meals besides brunch, a law punishable by death.

Post Author: Michaela Bueche