Aries — They say one bad apple spoils the whole bunch but that won’t matter because every cop is a bastard, and all the apples at the grocery store are mushy. Taurus — Everyone you vote for in the midterm will lose by an embarrassing margin, but at least you don’t live in Texas. Gemini […]

State Run Media midterm coverage: top 10 Governor Stitt moments

Looking back at the highlights of Governor Kevin Stitt’s impressive first term in office, I chose my personal favorites. When Governor Stitt abolished school and replaced it with mandatory Chick-fil-A employment Oklahoma is known for its innovation in amazing inventions like the parking meter and the yield sign, this incredible policy put forward by Governor […]

Sororities pledge to better support brunettxs

TU Panhellenic Council pledges to work towards a future with more hair color diversity, frats protest. Ever working towards a progressive future, the Notorious RBG-pin-wearing chairwoman of the Panhellenic council made a public statement on the trajectory of future sorority demographic makeups. Her speech highlighted that “it’s not the hair color that matters, it’s whether […]

Okay, but which religion is right?

First-year student getting confused as to which campus ministry group they need to join to avoid eternal damnation. Picture this: walking by yourself, minding your own goddamn business, trying to walk to the Allen Chapman Student Union when suddenly, a saint appears. This delegate of all that is holy pronounces: “Do you want the smallest […]

Best and worst study spots on campus

As the esteemed satire editor at The Collegian, I would like to welcome all first-year students to our quirky little campus. I know you all will make the university and your parents proud — that is if you are a CS major who ends up working for a military contractor, otherwise they will be most […]

A love letter to Sodexo

Nowhere at TU can you find a more diverse culture than in the beloved Pat Case dining center. Mold. I am talking about mold. Sodexo, known worldwide for its London broil, mediocre at best sushi and private prisons, has run our on-campus dining for as long as anyone cares to remember, or I presume. I […]

I found myself studying abroad

And I have found that I am better than you. I know that this sounds cliche but now that I’m studying abroad in Praha (Prague in Czech), my perspective has broadened so much. Now I understand how much better than everyone else I am. I used to struggle so much with self-esteem, but compared to […]

Please don’t look at the fact that most eviction notices are sent out to people of color. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t “see” color. graphcic by Anna Johns

Ethical landlord dots the ‘i’s in his eviction notices with little hearts

Free will? You get that for free? My landlord charges, like, $80 for not following the Oracle of Delphi. Liberals of late, find it “trendy” to villainize landlords, one of our nation’s most important jobs. To these unamerican, gun-hating, soy-eating, piece of garbage liberals I ask one question: is it an American ideal to make […]