Following what TU Campus Security described as the “brutal murder and dismemberment” of an electric scooter last week, new rules have been implemented for students regarding the treatment of Limes, Birds and other zoom-to-class-quick-a-majiggers. Bobby Jonas, newly-appointed Campus Security E-Crimes Unit principal investigator, said his officers responded to a call about a downed scooter around […]
Author: Sara Serrano
Big News: Sunlight Cures Depression
Ladies and gents, I have reached a most stunning conclusion this past weekend: depression does not exist! I stepped outside the other day into the warming sunlight and felt a most peculiar sensation. Hope? Joy? Happiness? I’m not quite sure, but it certainly felt good, much better than I’d felt in a long time. I […]
Voter Disenfranchisement: Reps vs. Dems
Many people believe that their vote doesn’t matter. “They’re right of course,” said Sara Serrano, very hip TU republican. “The Man’s trying to get you to spend all day making a line to cast your ballot for a rigged system. Wake up and smell the corruption, sheeple. Everyone in power’s gonna stay in power, so […]
Doctors worry Trump may have infected Biden during the debate, point to hot makeout session as source.
Everyone who sat through the first presidential debate last Tuesday can agree that tensions between the candidates were incredibly high. The two men bit and tore into each other like animals, interrupting, name-calling and turning the debate into more of a cat fight than a serious discussion of policy. Of course, with the recent diagnosis […]
Biden wins every county in Okla. Democratic primary
Joe Biden won 10 of the 14 Super Tuesday states, now leading the total Democratic delegates ahead of Bernie Sanders. With only seven months to go before the general election, it’s peak presidential primary season. Last Tuesday, residents of 14 states — including Oklahoma — and one U.S. territory went to the polls to vote […]
Letter from the Propagandist
My dearest loyal subjects (of voting age), It is my great pleasure to announce the State-Run Media’s 2020 presidential endorsement. After much careful consideration and brutal deliberation, I have decided to endorse none other than our own TU Provost, Vice President of Academic Affairs and Interim President Janet Levit for President (of the United States). […]
One grande latte, hold the bureaucracy
A simple question leaves me cutting through a jungle of red tape. I’m nearly there, dear reader. Answers are hard to come by in this present climate. I never expected this journey to be easy, but I also never thought I’d change so much along the way. Monday morning. The McFarlin cafe. Two dollars and […]
Giuliani accidentally woos reporter, spills incriminating secrets
I think I’ve found the love of my life … and some shit about Trump. I’ve met someone. No, I’m just as surprised as you are. But this guy … there’s just something different about him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit weirded out when I first saw his name pop […]
Anime “Perfect Blue” explores toxic fan culture
Circle Cinema screened “Perfect Blue” for Anime Club, delving into the idea of obsessive adoration of pop culture idols. Fangirl (noun): a girl or woman who is an extremely or overly enthusiastic fan of someone or something. (Merriam-Webster) Between the ages of 12 and 17, I was what the internet would snidely refer to as […]
Why is no one asking me about my screenplay?
I’m far too talented to be treated like this. This is absolutely ridiculous. I’ve been sitting in this coffee shop for over an hour now, hunched over my Macbook Air, sipping this lavender infused cold brew, and not one person here has had the common decency to ask me about my screenplay. I chose this […]