Vladimir von Batterson protests for equal rights. Graphic by Conner Maggio

Batty new residents arrive on campus

Resident bats push for equal rights amid evictions from campus dorms.

Current reports say that homeless bats are trying to make residence in the Lottie Jane Mabee Hall. However, current residents are inconsiderate of their hopes of finding a new home.

Over the last three weeks, there have been six bat sightings in Lottie, all of which have been inside different girls’ rooms. While the girls’ screams of terror echoed throughout campus, the poor bats cried in the corner at how their hostesses treated them like “animals.” After interviewing multiple of the residential bats on campus, many have said that they believed the open windows around the building were an open invitation to move in.

When interviewed outside of Lottie, a mother bat, Beverly, recalled her run-in with a college girl, saying, “I am just appalled at how the girl was not even kind enough to say hello to us … she kind of just ran away…”

Beverly wants to build a home and friendships with the residents for her two bat pups. “We overheard some girls talking about how great their rooms were, especially the ones by the vertical moving rooms, and had to check the place out.”

Male bats claim that they just want to make friends with the females in Lottie because their species are too “difficult” to impress. One bat, Brian, mistakenly thought that the girls’ screams were the way human females express their affection, saying, “The girls scream when they see us so that must be good.”

He likely learned this information after watching too much reality TV through students’ open blinds.

Carl, a resident bat, recalled when he lived inside a wardrobe on the first floor in Lottie over the summer and was evicted when a freshman called the dorm Resident Advisers on him. “I was not even doing anything wrong, but I guess when they saw my black wings and pearly whites, they just had to call someone to contain all of ‘this.’” Carl gestured to himself.

Carl said he originally lived by John Mabee Hall but relocated a year ago because he wanted to get away from Steve, the stupid owl outside the John who always tries to force him to get high from secondhand smoke. Now that Carl was kicked out, Carl not only has to put up with Steve, but has to put up with the constant piercing sound of alarms that come from the John every other night as well.

Opposite of Carl’s views, his obnoxious brother, Ethan, has permanently made John Mabee Hall his home because he enjoys the sound of chaos every week. Ethan says he’d “rather live in the John because [he] loves the free entertainment every night.” He enjoys watching the boys vape in their room and then try to blame the fire alarm on “accidental burnt popcorn.”

The bats here at TU are calling for justice against their unfair treatment and demand to be treated the same. They want to be able to apply to be legal residents at TU and, eventually, be allowed to apply to the University and become independent students. If things do not change soon, and the bats’ requests are not fulfilled, TU will have protests on the front lawn of Collins Hall and bats causing chaos around campus.

Post Author: Brooke-Lyne Holland