Goldie, as well as all of the other Goldie impersonators, knows your pain. graphic by Conner Maggio

Best places to have a mental breakdown on campus

Make the most of your time here with this breakdown of breakdown spots.

As a college student, it is inevitable that you have at least a few mental breakdowns a semester. Or for some, a few mental breakdowns a day. As a junior who can’t get her life together, I have had my fair share of emotional crises. Here’s the definitive list of my favorite places on campus to completely lose it.

The McFarlin Library: Nobody actually studies there. Just head down to the stacks, find a quiet corner and then bawl your heart away. I’ve heard the pages make for good tissues.
Right below the bell. Your sobs will echo throughout and it’ll feel like you’re not alone for once in your life.
In Goldie’s arms. Who better to dry your tears than a dog’s tongue? And if you can’t find this campus celebrity, just find any of the Goldie impersonators on campus, convince yourself she’s the real deal and then vent to her instead.

Anywhere in Kep: It is a well-known fact that at any point in Keplinger there are at least 3 people having a mental breakdown at once, so you can likely find those other two people and make the situation an even hotter mess.

Alone, in your own room: Who needs friends when you have CaneFlix to comfort you?
Kendall Hall. Feeling lost? Actually get lost in the never-ending halls of this oddly shaped building.
The New U. Wallow around in comfort in the perfectly groomed grass. Chances are a tour group will find you and you’ll have the added benefit of convincing several other teenagers to not make the mistake of going to college.
ACAC. Where else but the Allen Chapman Student Union (or, colloquially, ACAC) can you stress-buy 50 dollars of food without actually spending a dollar?

The Hurricane Fountain: Hydrate before you die-drate. Hang out at this beautiful chunk of rock to replenish the water wasted from your tears.

Collins Fitness Center: If you work out hard enough, you can tell anyone that your tears are actually just sweat.

University School: You will blend in with all of the small humans throwing tantrums. Bonus points if a teacher gives you a lollipop.

All of the religious buildings on campus: Try praying to all the gods. Maybe one of them will answer your prayers for a better GPA and landing that hot girl in your physics class.

Harwell Hall: Haven’t heard of it? It’s because you’re not an anthropology major. Practically no one can find this hall, so why would your responsibilities? Ignore your duties and go lick some bones.

Oliphant Courtyard: Stop and smell the roses! Most likely none of them are poisonous. Once you find this little oasis, you will never want to leave — even when the biology students come in to do actual sciencey shit.

Post Author: Madison Connell