graphic by Kyle Garrison

Brave professor declares Wingdings font mandatory in student essays

Professor assures students no college professors will ever ask them to use a font other than Wingdings

Professor assures students no college professors will ever ask them to use a font other than Wingdings

“You know how to write an essay. I don’t know why you have to question it, no professors will ever ask you to use Times New Roman,” explained a disappointed professor, fielding questions from irritating students.

All this distinguished professor wanted was for his students to take some initiative and write an essay in the exact same format that all college professors ask for. In the syllabus he specifically told them to “just use MLA, which I definitely know.” What more could these entitled kids want? “It’s one thing for this to happen in high school, but this is a well-known private university. Is it too much to ask for the students to use 1.73 spacing without me having to spell it out for them?” continued the exasperated professor.

One student even had the nerve to ask the professor, “What font do you expect for the essay?”

The professor responded, “Wingdings, you dipshit. What else would we use for MLA? It’s just standard.”

The student—who was clearly an inexperienced and incompetent scholar—continued to express confusion: “Oh, okay I guess. Do you want it 12-point?” To which the professor reasonably responded, “Are you a child? Real intellectuals will exclusively use 5-point font, any attempts otherwise will exclusively be interpreted as an attempt to artificially inflate the page count and will be docked at least a full letter grade.”

This frustrated professor, who had no choice but to refer the students to the syllabus, sadly lamented, “God, why do I have to explain this to them, it was all in the syllabus. I don’t want to hear all that complaining about ‘Sir, I have no idea how to read your syllabus, it’s all in Wingdings.’ Grow up! This isn’t highschool anymore.”

“Honestly, I think it is just a symptom of Gen Z’s inherent weakness,” theorized the white, male professor, who graduated eight years prior to the codification of Title IX. Back in his day, he continued, “Life wasn’t handed to you on a silver platter. You earned it fair and square by working ten hours a week during the summer and paying for college.”

One would expect that after a few semesters, students would catch on that every professor has identical expectations when it comes to essay format. The sentiment expressed by this professor—though likely a collective experience for professors everywhere—especially represents the struggles of a vitally important group of highly persecuted and underprivileged people: white male conservative professors between the ages of 60 and 80.

Our society has continued to make the lives of these beloved grandpas of McCarthyism so much more difficult than it was when they had no competition because they fired all the leftists and because women and minorities were not hired in the first place. What do they get for their decades of service towards the noble pedagogical profession? Nine hours a week of questions from students who won’t read the syllabus and won’t go out with them no matter how many times they ask.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison