Brennen’s bangin’ baking bench: college edition

Move aside Mary Berry, millennial cooking is here to stay.

Since the millennials and gen Z’ers apparently exaggerate the financial impossibility of a four-year degree, it looks like it’s up to us to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and make do. So when three jobs aren’t paying enough to buy normal people food, but you don’t want to spend $5,000 a year on a meal plan, the good ol’ college try is in order.

Nothing says poverty like a ramen-only diet, which college students live off. However, the ramen-only diet becomes a problem after a few months when all you can taste is salt and sadness.

To spruce up ramen, use beer instead of water. A good IPA should do the trick, but for a weaker brew, a pilsner also blends well with ramen.

Next, add lard. Lard soaps work great once boiled. In the absence of these soaps, snag some fry oil from Chick-Fil-A before they throw it out for the day. Take home those fatty parts and boil them in with the soup.

Finally, no ramen recipe is complete without Sriracha. However, since the condiment is so expensive, get off-brand sauce. Huy Fong is a classic, and those who know what they are doing will go with Polar for the authentic Thai taste. But this recipe calls for about two quarts of the good Walmart-brand hot sauce.

Moving on from Spicy Beer Lard Ramen, Dorm Cereal is a necessity. Normally, cereal is the heavenly combination of milk and, well, cereal. But since milk can be expensive when consumed every morning, the smart thing would be to replace it with water.

Since even off-brand cereal can damage the pocketbook, just pour sugar into the water. Cereal is more sugar than anything else, so why not?

To grab the final ingredient to cap this baby off, sneak into the caf in the dead of night and steal some caf fruit. Just take it home and cut out the rotten bits. Most people should be able to salvage almost half of every piece of fruit.

Another important dish to make is the Dorm Room Casserole. There are two options of equipment for this one. Either a student has a microwave in their room, or their roommate’s boyfriend got one as a high school graduation present.

Simply put some Sodexo to-go meals, bits of all the past year’s failed Friendsgiving potlucks and some vending machine snacks into a bowl and microwave it. Add some sour cream.

The final dish recommended for learning to cook in the dorm room is guaranteed to make reading this far worth it. The piece de resistance. The icing on the cake. Drumroll please!

Uncrustables. With ketchup. The smoothness of the ketchup and the creaminess of the peanut butter. The saltiness of the tears shed while eating it. There is no greater delicacy.

In conclusion, college students should have no more trouble feeding themselves despite their low wages and high debts if they just resort to these recipes. Bon appetit!

Post Author: Brennen Gray