Campus Security officers unsure what a dildo is. graphic by Conner Maggio

Campo arrests student for phallic object

TU student 3D prints a mysterious device in Stephenson.

A TU student has been arrested on suspicion of attempting to print out a gun using the 3D printer in Stephenson Hall.

The incident took place sometime last week in the early hours of the morning. Campo was alerted to the scene by another concerned student, Maggie Zhu, who was also working in the lab.

“I was intrigued by the shape of what he was printing, but when I asked him what it was, he got all cagey,” said Zhu. “I thought that was weird, so I took a closer peek when he wasn’t looking a realized that it was a gun! I have never pulled out my phone so fast.”

The student has been identified as Corey Matthews, a junior Mechanical Engineering student. With potential felony charges and expulsion against him, Matthew insists that he wasn’t trying to print a gun.

“Okay, look. I can totally see why Maggie thought it was a gun! They kind of look alike, but I swear that’s not what it was!” said Matthews.

However, when pressed to reveal what he was actually trying to print, Matthews went quiet.
“If he doesn’t fess up, he has no case in his favor,” said Tulsa Police Officer Kayla Tyson. “I don’t understand what could be worse than a gun. Must be something else illegal.”

Eventually, in hour four of Matthews’ interrogation by police officials, he finally cracked.

“Fine! It was a dildo! Happy?!” Matthews exploded to the questioners. “I found the CAD [computer-aided design] online, thought I would use the school’s 3D printer. But it was, umm, it was gonna be birthday present for my girlfriend, I swear!”

Matthews’ girlfriend could not be reached for comment, or even found for that matter.
“What do you mean you couldn’t find her? Jessica Female is totally real!” Matthews responded. “She just goes to another school. In Canada.”

For the time being, TU is seeking experts to verify if the half-printed object is in fact a dildo. If you consider yourself knowledgeable in this topic, please contact TU Campus Security as soon as possible to assist in the investigation. And for comparison purposes, bring your own dildo.

Post Author: Sara Serrano