Canned DOJ officials form boy band

While the government has lost three key players in its America-sized game of Jenga, the music industry has gained three new shining stars. James B. Comey, Sally Yates and Preet Bharara are the world’s most highly anticipated new boy band: 5 Seconds of Employment.
On a cold and gentle Tuesday evening, James Comey walked down the steps of Capitol Hill for his last time. His commute home was not filled with the jubilance and merry capers of yore, but rather, disillusionment and dread. His head hangs heavy with the loss of his job and a lifetime of work, and his fear of Russian interference with the election has been compounded by the apparent defense of the suspects. His only hope left is that it will all turn out like the original Red Dawn and dear God not the remake.
Comey was a wreck.
With his mind clouded, palms sweaty, knees weak and arms heavy, he couldn’t bare to return home and face his wife and children just yet. So by himself, he decided to visit that knock-off Coney Island place that his Italian friend with the pasta-related nickname was always talking about. But just before the lonely Comey could try a phony Coney given a posy by Macaroni Tony, he noticed two equally dismayed faces across the room. They were the faces of Sally Yates, and Preet Bharara. As the three made eye contact, “It’s Gonna Be Me” by N-Sync began playing overhead, and at that very moment, their fate was sealed forever.
The three began their road to pop-stardom in Bharara’s mom’s basement, practicing harmonies, choreography, lip-syncing and hip-gyrating. They started off playing small shows around D.C. in grocery stores and parking garages, performing passionately until they’d be asked to leave. Eventually they were picked up by Filibustin’ Records, and in a matter of weeks the group was beginning to top charts and win over critics.
Their first single, “Party In The DOJ”, went quintuple platinum before they even finished recording. And their more recent hit, “U.S. Attorney Me On”, has been translated into 175 languages, Braille and Morse code. Their newest album entitled “DAMN (There Are A Lot More White Supremacists Here Than I Thought).” is said to come out in December, and is quickly becoming the most highly anticipated and doctor-recommended album release since like, I don’t know probably some jazz record or something.
5SOE has already lined up a three year long touring schedule, with over 200 shows in 80 cities across North America, and including shows in Europe, Australia, South America and the Baltic States.
“Even though we are no longer involved in politics, we aim to continue having an impact on government policy outside the White House, and inside the hearts of our fans.” Says Comey. “I couldn’t get the Justice Department to depart even a hint of justice on Trump’s travel ban, but I can still reach those seven majority-Muslim countries through the power of music.” Yates claims. “I haven’t ripped this much bleezy since the Obama Administration,” coughed Bharara.

Post Author: Sam Harrell