Please don’t get this guy started on the stock market; the fella just starts screaming in all-encompassing terror! Graphic by Anna Johns

Freshman horror story: assigned roommate is thirteenth-century monk

Incoming freshman learns to adapt to the self-flaggelating medieval man sleeping on the other bunk. The beginning of this fall semester signals the return of beloved college experiences with more in-person classes, the maintenance and creation of friendships and broadening one’s horizons. For incoming freshmen, college is their oyster: soggy and foul-smelling but nonetheless rife […]

Proceed with caution: Hicks is reportedly armed with her geometry textbook and a judgmental glare. Graphic: Anna Johns

Texas rewards $10,000 to citizens who report “loose” women

Everything is bigger in Texas, including slut-shaming. The highly controversial Texas abortion law has banned abortions after six weeks and shockingly incentivized the punishment of not only anyone who has aided or abetted a patient in receiving the procedure but also any suspected whores. In a move many call the state returning to its roots, […]

I’m begging you, Bathilda, please don’t walk away now. Think about the bones I’ve lovingly scattered in our boudoir. graphic by Anna Johns

Fuck Tinder. I’m off to the Bog.

After years of mindlessly swiping and scrolling through dating apps, I have surely seen the talent pool this side of the Mississippi has to offer: men with fish, men with guns and men with God (not pictured, but, like, there’s a cross somewhere). At this point, the flirtations are stale, and my travels into the […]

While many have praised the Suez Canal for speaking its truth, others do not believe the ship has learned the consequences of its actions. graphic by Anna Johns

Ever Given releases apology video for being stuck in the Suez Canal

On Wednesday, disaster in the world of international trading struck: one of the largest container ships in the world (and therefore one of the most popular container ships) was grounded in the Suez Canal, causing a huge jam of trading vessels. At the time of writing, the reported monetary damage is $55 billion. Understandably, the […]

The three things every American needs: the Almanac, two worshipful women and a fedora of possibilities. graphic by Anna Johns

Oh, Phew: TikTok cult assures audience they are not a cult

For the past few weeks, TikTok has been oversaturated with posts revolving around a Kentucky commune: brandished Eden, the self-sustaining group has 50 members of varying odors, and they’re actively looking for people to join. With the address of the commune listed in their profile, the account thegardenfrees posts regular TikToks showing day-to-day life. These […]

Is this the live, laugh, love experience? Wonders never cease! graphic by Emma Palmer

Big News: Sunlight Cures Depression

Ladies and gents, I have reached a most stunning conclusion this past weekend: depression does not exist! I stepped outside the other day into the warming sunlight and felt a most peculiar sensation. Hope? Joy? Happiness? I’m not quite sure, but it certainly felt good, much better than I’d felt in a long time. I […]

After I am done with this cardio-intensive musical number, your ass is mine, Inhofe. graphic by Anna Johns

Five tips to deal psychic damage to your congressman

American elected officials are ideally supposed to listen to their constituents’ voices and reflect their public’s political desires. In any rudimentary government class, a citizen is taught to directly contact their representatives and congresspeople to share their positions on legislation; it is one’s first amendment rights, of course, and the best way to bolster democracy […]

Gogmagog the Insipid and Jötnar the Rock Tosser out in the sun. graphic by Anna Johns

Hurricane Spotlight: here are the impious, rowdy trolls who guard McFarlin from COVID-19

With vaccinations rising and cases of COVID-19 falling, commuter and on-campus students alike feel more comfortable hanging around campus; with guidelines followed, more people lounge about the Old and New U, ACAC is slowly refilling and the imported Norwegian trolls have taken guardianship of the McFarlin Library. Named Gogmagog the Insipid and Jötnar the Rock […]

A rare photo emerged of Clancy and his amulet after the Ghost Tour. Is this the mysterious “Farly”? graphic by Anna Johns

McFarlin Ghost Tour delivers its promise of fright

Last Thursday, McFarlin Library hosted a ghost tour that promised the exploration of the haunted upper library floors. TU students registered for the event, expecting to hear rudimentary ghost stories and learn the lore surrounding the library on campus. Things were relatively normal. The librarian explained the history of the floor and quipped about being […]