Cesium spill creates mutant rabbit

On August 31st, university president Steadman Upham sent an all-school email informing students and staff of a spill of the radioactive material Cesium-137 on North Campus that occurred a year ago.

This email seemed as if it ended the matter. However, further research revealed some interesting facts. The University admitted to the element’s involvement in research on multiphase flow loops, but that was not the only thing the radioactive material was used for.

An interview with former TU doctoral student Steph Curie revealed more information. Curie was working for an unnamed TU professor on a bio-engineering research project involving exposing rodents to large amounts of radiation. She transferred schools about a year into the project, after she realized no one was listening to her complaints of animal cruelty, unsafe scientific practices and how she was the only one who ever cleaned the coffeemaker.

The spill occurred during her last week of research. “There was nothing small about the spill” Curie stated in the interview. “It was all over the place, but it was concentrated in Fluffy’s cage.”

Fluffy, a small grey rabbit, was one of the test subjects and a favourite pet of the researchers. About twenty minutes after the incident, Curie reported that Fluffy began experiencing changes. According to the researcher, the rabbit grew rapidly until he was about ten feet tall and had three inch fangs and huge claws. Fluffy reportedly attacked one of Curie’s research partners before escaping the lab. It is not known if the man survived.

“It was the most horrendous thing I’ve ever witnessed,” stated Curie. “But that guy was kind of a dick soooo…”

Sightings of Fluffy on campus started a few weeks after the spill. Up until this point, The State-Run Media largely ignored these reports under the assumption that it was just some clever scheme by those bastards over at the Collegian to tarnish the reputation of our superior newspaper.

But this latest interview, along with tangential reports of missing carrots, extremely loud thumping noises and spoiled, painted, rotten eggs found around campus, suggest that the mutated Fluffy is all too real.

The State-Run Media advises its readership to limit their time outside, especially when transporting any type of vegetable. If you see Fluffy, do not attempt to interact with him in any way. Do not make any sudden moves, and remember you are far more terrified of him than he is of you.

Post Author: tucollegian

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