graphic by Conner Maggio

Coke puts coke back in Coke

Nothing says Coca-Cola like cocaine!

Coming soon to supermarket shelves near you, Coca-Cola has announced a new line of cocaine-infused beverages.

“There’s a massive hype around CBD [cannabidiol, a pain-relieving compound found in marijuana]-infused products these days,” said Coca-Cola spokesperson Karl Rimm in a recent press conference, “and companies are making a killing putting it in everything from water to protein powder, all with questionable efficacy. It would be easy for Coca-Cola to cash in on this craze, but we don’t jump on bandwagons.” Rimm added, “Instead, we wanted to offer people an alternative medicine that actually works. So what better place to start that journey than in our own history books?”

Rimm is referring to when the recipe for Coca-Cola used to contain coca leaves, or cocaine, which was eliminated in 1929. Even back then, Coca-Cola only had about 1/400 of a grain of cocaine per ounce of syrup, which had little to no effect. The modern product is dramatically more potent.

“In low dosages, the benefits of cocaine are amazing and instant. Moments after your first sip of new Cocaine-Cola, you’ll feel a surge in mental capacity, confidence and energy as well as relief from your aches and pains,” Rimm explained. “And long-term users can expect weight-loss benefits as well!”

Cocaine-Cola will come in several different strengths for different effects. Five percent strength, the only dosage level approved for children by the Food and Drug Administration, 10 percent strength, for adults looking for a boost or a quick pick me up, and 20 percent strength, for those looking for intense relief from their ailments. Price will vary with cocaine content but will start at about $5 a bottle

Not yet out on the market, the beverage is already being praised by those who have tested it.

“We have nothing but good things to say about Coca-Cola,” said Martha Martinez, head scientist at the Center for Disease Control. “Sugary soft drinks, like regular Coca-Cola, are a major culprit in childhood obesity epidemic. But their addition of cocaine completely counteracts the sugar. With a harmless dose of coke, kids will run around for hours and hours, burning off whatever calories were in the drink and then some. Cocaine-Cola is going to improve the quality of life for millions.”

“I love Cocaine-Cola. It’s great. I love it,” said Liz Dubner, a Cocaine-Cola taste tester. “I used to be really addicted to caffeine. Three cups of coffee a day. Sometimes more. Like five. The jitters were awful. This has really helped me cut back. My life is so much better now. Much much much much better.”

At TU, you can look forward to finding Cocaine-Cola stocked in all vending machines next semester.

“We’ve gotten some backlash for selling Cocaine-Cola on campus when we don’t allow students to have medical marijuana, but it all comes down to the fact that one requires a prescription and one does not,” said Peter Welsh, head of TU Housing. “And besides, from an academic standpoint, do we want motivated and energized students, or mellow layabouts? It’s not a difficult decision.”

Cocaine-Cola is scheduled for release in December of 2018, just in time for Coca-Cola’s holiday campaign. The campaign will feature a skinnier Santa to reflect the beneficial effects of the beverage, as well as a look into the increased productivity of his elves and workshop, all powered by Cocaine-Cola.

Post Author: Sara Serrano