Two reporters pay the ultimate price to protest bloated spending at TU.
Early last week, I was taking my nightly stroll around campus when I witnessed an odd trio in the parking lot behind Collins Hall. One was enveloped in a blood red glow, two horn-like growths sprouting from his head, He leered down at the other two, who appeared to be desperately begging him for something.
I soon discovered the two beggars were in fact reporters for our competitor, The Collegian, and the glowing goat man was Satan himself. The two reporters, Lenny Lenovich Lenin and Toemahtoes Topher, agreed to an interview about their encounter with the Devil.
I first asked them how they came to be in the Collins Hall parking lot Monday night. They exchanged a glance, seemingly to hype each other up for their crazy tale.
Lenin responded, “We were digging through the dumpster to see if we could find any shredded True Commitment documents to piece back together. These would be crucial in our plot to take down the administration, providing blackmail material and insider information. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find anything. Administration seems to be catching on to us.”
At this point, Lenin started getting sidetracked from what I really wanted to talk about, so I interjected with, “That’s not what it looked like. It looked like you and Topher were making some kind of deal with a supernatural third party.”
Topher chimed in as Lenin glared at him. “Oh yeah, that was our good pal, Lucifer. We were selling our souls for one of those Brexit buses that Boris Johnson has. We’re gonna repaint it to say, ‘We send Levit and Manly £350 million a week. Let’s fund our NHS instead.’ and call it Brexit Bus 2.0. Or maybe LeTrexit Bus? TraLexit Bus? We’re not sure yet.”
Neither Toemahtoes nor Lenin seemed to notice the obvious flaws in this slight modification, so I said, “You must admit that that figure is, at best, grotesquely misleading, not to mention that it’s in British pounds instead of U.S. dollars.”
Topher cut me off there, screaming, “No! I won’t! No! No!,” pointing his finger at me. “That gross figure is the right figure, and you can’t change my mind.”
He wasn’t budging on the matter, and I was pressed for time, so I moved on to my follow up question. “Why should TU be funding the British NHS at all?”
Lenin took over with the response, “The NHS is very important! If I can’t afford healthcare, I at least want someone else to be able to.”
With that response, I concluded the interview. Packing up to leave, I could distinctly hear Topher repeating to himself, “This is a red bus.” I’m don’t know what that means, but he was very adamant about the matter, so it must have been important. This has been Silly Reporters Selling Their Souls to Satan. Tune in next time to hear Lenin say, “I love Karl Marx.”
