SpoTUfy is the new best way to listen to your favorite local TU rappers. graphic by Naomi Dunn

ConnectTU: Big Brother or your new best friend?

Don’t listen to the critics: the ConnectTU app is a godsend in convenience.

Since orientation week, the University of Tulsa has been pushing for widespread adoption of its new Professional Super App, ConnectTU, much to the chagrin of many upperclassmen. Across campus, students are resisting TU’s big brother approach to monitor student activity and refusing to download it just to stick it to the man. For all the skeptics out there, here’s four hidden features in ConnectTU that might just change your mind.

TUBer Eats: Didn’t make it to the Caf in time for dinner? No worries, ConnectTU has you covered. Just open the app, select whatever food you can reasonably convince your body to ingest and in exactly 69 minutes, a lump of scrumptiously inedible mystery meat will be delivered outside of your door! It’s basically “Hello Fresh” without the Fresh.

Even Dr. Clancy has given it a ringing endorsement! Upon unveiling the food he ordered (six day old sushi with corn on the cob for added fiber) he loudly exclaimed “Mmm, Osteoporosis!! That is, as the kids say, bone atrophy!”

TUmble: Do you ever find yourself feeling sad, lonely and wishing for companionship? Do you long for your very own true commitment? Rest easy, golden hurricanes, ConnectTU is here to help. While the University has recently struggled with fidelity to both its students and faculty, ConnectTU is specially designed to help you form meaningful, long-lasting relationships.
Say goodbye to swiping one way or another, this feature has three simple options whenever you see a new profile: “yes,” “no” and “no way you actually ‘love adventuring.’ I mean, what does that even mean? Why couldn’t you write the same bio about dogs, coffee and ‘The Office,’ like everyone else?”

SpoTUfy: Has your music selection been lacking recently? Are you looking to downgrade from Pandora radio? Look no further than ConnectTU! In just seconds you can have thousands of dubstep remixes of the alma mater at your fingertips! Move over, Lil Nas X, these mixes are going to be breaking all kinds of records!

This music section even connects you with local Soundcloud rappers on campus so that you can browse their music selection in real time as they tell you all about their new feature while you wait in line at the bookstore!

TU-tris: Last but certainly not least, ConnectTU even features a campus-themed game, perfect for any boring lecture or any- one training for the new e-sports team! It’s just like Grand Theft Auto except much more mediocre!

Create your avatar, input your student ID number and try to park your car around campus while avoiding the ticket lady. Be careful not to get caught because the third time you’re ticketed, your actual vehicle gets actually towed!

As you can see, there’s a lot of really cool features that are part of ConnectTU. Hopefully these cool additions will make you more eager to give the app a try. At the end of the day, the administration is really just trying to find a way to Connect to you, TU. And let’s face it, giving us a flashy new app is definitely better than sitting down and getting to know us or listening to any of our concerns.

Post Author: Mary Bergwell