Definitive ranking of university trees

With the changing season and coming Fall Semester, there is a chance you may-ple find yourself in need of a refreshing walk around campus.

Everyone feels a little stressed sometimes, so why wood-n’t you take a stroll and see these five trees we absolutely reviewed. So slow down a bit, don’t be a sap, prune your expectations, and leaf the cypress-sure of ever-green day life to walk with us through a tour of the trees.

Tree Number One: We elm-bark on our journey with a classic. The bowl cuts in front of Sharp Chapel are modest, uniform, and otherwise unassuming. Tranquilly they wait, remaining steadfastly rooted in their ways. A juni-perfect specimen. They will never change, just like your high school friends.

Tree Number Two, Electric Boogaloo: Next, acorn-er stone of the university. This staple of campus keeps us grounded. It stands tall, looming over our hopes and dreams, confident that it will stand tall long after our oaks and dreams have succumbed to rot. Located between Tyrell and Sharp Chapel, it watches. You may mope and willow in your own self pity, but it cares not. Harsh and cynical, you won’t impress it.

Tree Number Tree: If you wood kindly join us at our next destination, we lazily lumber over to the grove next to McFarlin. This is the best place. Shielding from the sun’s cruel rays in the summer, you will find most pasty and pale individuals huddled underneath its canopy. It lends itself well to those in need of a place to sleep publically, should you find yourself dormant. Do not lower your guard, however. This is a shady part of campus, not as wholesome as fraternity row. It’s probably best not to go there after eight in the leaf-ning.

Tree Number Fir: At fir-st glance, it looks to be a proud and strident tree, conifer-dent in all fields. Yew may think it to be a run of the mill example of the flora of campus. However, do not be deceived. This crabapple of an excuse is actually committing high tree-son. Upon further investigation, the truly sick-amore act is revealed. In tree-ality, this a-palm-ination is lilac-luster and pining for attention without giving full effort. We know the truth, half of this monstrosi-tree is dead and disappointing. One look and you too will be rhododen-done with it. Birch, please. Sway in your lane.

Mambo Number Five: Finally, we have arrived at the end of this trainwreck. You’ll be aspen in awe of our next destination. Surely a poplar addition to campus, it really spruces up the place. Starting next semester Hardest-tree will be the home of many bright eyed and bushy tailed squirrels. Standing three stories tall, it is the pride of campus, you’ll never find yourself arbor-ed with it.

I sincerely apologize for this article, I’ll go ahead and stick a cork in it.

Post Author: tucollegian

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