The Newspaper’s first hard-hitting issue. graphic by Conner Maggio

Disgruntled students begin new Newspaper

Citing fascist Collegian editors, a group left to start their own rival paper.

A group of disgruntled Collegian writers have decided to run their own rival newspaper. The paper is to be spearheaded by Debra Mury, a sophomore chemical engineering major. Mury was always the type of person to complain that she didn’t get her own weekly column. It was carefully explained to Mury that a weekly article over the grammatical use of the Oxford comma was unnecessary (she’s pro-comma since it goes against AP Style), but unsatisfied with her rejection, she has decided to take matters into her own hands.

Mury states that the paper will be called the Newspaper, because as the title suggests, it’s brand new. We aren’t sure if people will get the reference when discussing the paper (if it’s ever discussed in the first place), but good for you, Debra — way to keep those artistic juices flowing. Her inspiration comes from a movie she saw once, but when asked what movie, her eyes kept darting around, and it was difficult to discern what she was talking about.

Mury will also be joined by her boyfriend of five months, Stanley Fleeter. Fleeter does not go to TU, but he will be rating certain professors from murmurs he’s heard in the Student Union, as well as bombarding people with questions about TU’s sports teams while standing outside McFarlin Library. Campus Security is already fully aware of his unwanted presence on this campus, but if he’s seen wandering around, feel free to call (918) 631-5555.

Other students who will be a part of the paper include French major Octavia Wilson, local goth Meyal XEX, chemical engineer Duncan Pleeter and Ted. Ted has a last name, but he really only goes to meetings for the atmosphere and is overall irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Some of the other sections include knock-off BuzzFeed quizzes, Not All (blank) People, and Pat Case Dining Center reviews.

The Newspaper does not have a meeting location as of yet, but it has been explicitly said that breaking into The Collegian offices at night does not qualify as a proper meeting place. They have yet to find a professor to sponsor the Newspaper since every single one they have asked has snickered at them.

Circulation is supposed to start within the next couple of weeks, but knowing Mury’s track record, expect it to come out by the end of next semester, if at all. As for how they will print and distribute their paper, Mury has gone on record to state that she doesn’t use her TU print allowance anyway, so she’ll just use that for the time being. The Newspaper also plans on releasing their paper on Tuesdays to provide “ultimate relevancy.”

State-Run Media readers might be concerned that this article was too harsh or condescending, but if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Boom. Roasted.

Post Author: James Terrell