Disgruntled vandal not willing to waste more than two eggs on McFarlin’s doors

Reports have been coming in for the past few weeks, from both Campus Security and the Collegian, that some buildings on campus, namely McFarlin Library and Helmerich Hall, have had eggs thrown at them. This activity, known as “egging,” is often used as a way of recreation or as a display of displeasure in the establishment.
During his regular Sunday coffee run the State-Run’s glorious leader, Adam Lux, noticed the eggs on the Library’s east entrance. In particular he noticed that only a handful of eggs had actually been thrown.
After some astute detective work, the State-Run was able to track down the egger, a student on campus who agreed to give an interview if he could remain anonymous. Well actually he wanted us to call him “The Eggomaniac” but this is a respectable publication so fuck that shit.
The culprit is a sophomore in the ENS college who is currently struggling with his grades.
“I’m just so sick of studying all the time and not getting good grades,” said the culprit, “I guess that’s why I egged the library. I saw it as a monument standing in spite of my failures.”
According to those close to the egger, he rarely studied, and when he did it was usually in the five or so minutes before a test was about to start.
In reference to why he egged Helmerich Hall he said, “That was mostly just a practice run. At first I thought about egging Keplinger but I thought that would be too obvious. I’m trying to take my egging to the next level. I want to be considered with the other great meta-eggers like “Fueggo Egg” and “Eggsy.”
The State-Run was unable to identify who “Fueggo Egg” or “Eggsy” are.
When asked why he only threw two eggs at the buildings the culprit responded, “What? Does it look like I’m made of money or something? I’m not wasting a whole carton of perfectly good eggs.”
He seemed unphased when informed that a dozen eggs costs less than two dollars if you get the bargain brand.
“Listen, don’t tell The Eggomaniac how to do his job alright. There’s a reason I’m a professional and your not. The art of egging takes years to master, maybe decades. I’ve been egging things since, like, middle school so back off.” he responded.
Campus Security wanted to remind all students that it’s fine to let out your frustrations by abusing buildings on campus as long as you clean up after yourselves.
The student has yet to egg any other buildings but Campo has assured the State-Run that if he strikes again they will be able to catch him.

Post Author: Adam Lux