Glistening abs but no shining penis? Nice try, liberals, but we won’t open up for that bait. graphic by Anna Johns

Driller Update: not enough

Though we have seen concessions, we must stay vigilant

If you have watched the news this week, you will have noticed the effect my recent letter to the editor has had. At Tulsa’s own Oktoberfest celebration, the threatened snowflakes behind the scenes made an attempt at appeasement at restoring the Driller’s masculinity. This experimental take stands in a slightly altered pose but with the addition of an impressive set of abs.

At first, I felt content with this correction. The new rendition screamed masculinity to me. Although the artist’s intent still evaded us, the broader themes seemed conveyed appropriately. In conversations with some acquaintances who have supported my leadership in this Driller debacle, the consensus seemed more or less that justice had occurred. Unfortunately, this elation would not last.

Friday, Oct. 22, at roughly 8:30 p.m., I was with some of these same people in a meeting for the Driller society (a private club devoted to the maintenance of the statue’s integrity), when we received an anonymous tip in the form of a magazine-letter note slipped under the door. The message wasted no words: “women can have abs also.” Quickly conducting our own independent research, we ascertained this horrific allegation was true.

With no time to waste, I began to write this follow-up. What few words I had already written spoke of our victory, but this startling revelation made for the much darker tone that I employ today. Brethren, it seems that we are receiving pathetic concessions instead of the real progress we seek. We cannot allow ourselves to grow complacent in our efforts, and we must remain vigilant in our efforts to restore the driller to his former glory. I too have suffered this exhaustion with important activism. I openly admit here that I felt ready to concede the battle with the addition of the toned abdomen muscles, but we cannot let moves like this trick us into giving up. No less than our absolute demands will suffice. The driller must get his dick back.

Post Author: Zach Short