Earth going to get black chokers and a Nightmare Before Christmas notebook graphic by Conner Maggio

Earth goes emo

The world is dying, but is it just a phase?

Earth’s first step toward embracing its inner darkness was dyeing its oceans black. Now, some say oil is bad for the body, but the sleek black look is worth it.

Earth, a teenage planet from the Milky Way suburbs, is going through what some parents are calling an “emo” phase. During this time in Earth’s life, it may experience mood swings, heightened hormone levels, anger towards any form of establishment regardless of size and various levels of “I don’t give a crap, Bill,” as Earth has put it.

“I knew this was coming the day it turned 4.543 billion years old. Earth is just in that time of its life when it channels its middle school angst into active rebellion,” said Earth’s mom, Karen.

Bill, Earth’s stepfather, joined in the conversation saying, “Every time I knock on its door and say, ‘How ya doin’ in there, sport?’ it justs screams, ‘Go away!’”

After many unsuccessful attempts, Earth was only able to be talked into an interview, with a bribe of My Chemical Romance’s “Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge” album on vinyl.

“It’s just, like, you don’t understand me,” said Earth, letting a cloud of vape loose in its poster-filled room. “Ya know, sometimes I feel like Light from the anime ‘Death Note.’ Just so misunderstood but always doing the right thing. Nobody seems to care about me or my health, so why bother taking care of myself? The more polluted I get, maybe someone will notice me and give a crap. Until then, I’m not going to worry about the trash piling up on me. Or shower.”

When asked about how the sudden change has affected its happiness, Earth sucked on its vape and thought for a second before answering.

“People need to understand that this is just the way I am, and I am glad I finally got myself together in time to realize that. I just like music and video games. And smog. This isn’t a phase,” Earth said.

Earth’s neighbors have noticed the change in Earth too.

“Ever since it got to the age when humans would build factories on it, Earth has been blowing clouds of smoke everywhere like some kind of goth chimney!” said Mrs. Smith, one of Earth’s neighbors. Shortly afterward, she began choking on a vape cloud blown by Earth itself on its way out of its house.

Smith continued, “And when it got old enough to start changing its appearance, it cut off a lot of its trees except for the ones at the very top, which now hang low over its face. That and the excessive checkered Vans have been really making it look like it doesn’t have parents.”

The “emo” look has been rising in popularity lately. Influences of musicians such as “Black Veil Brides” and “Panic! At the Disco” have molded today’s youth into a subculture.

Since all the other planets are around the same age, they are joining the trend themselves. Mercury is all tatted up, Venus is having cloudy judgement, Mars is erupting with anger every minute, Jupiter died a spot of its hair red, Saturn is wearing a dozen rings, Uranus is going its own direction to break the norm and Neptune is always feeling blue.

Scientists worry that if the planet does not change its ways within the next 11 years, the change may be permanent.

Post Author: Brennen Gray