Dictator Justin Guglielmetti receiving his pictures of Spidey. Graphic by Conner Maggio

Editor-in-Chief Guglielmetti wants pictures of the Spider-man

The newly hired leader of The Collegian threatens to fire his writers if images of a certain superhero aren’t on his desk by 5 p.m.

Guglielmetti has stressed the necessity for a picture of Spiderman in this week’s The Collegian paper. His insisting on photographing the superhero has caused waves in The Collegian office.

The Gugster gave an official statement.

“I want Spiderman! You call yourself a journalist? Why are you interviewing me? Give me Spiderman! If I don’t have that picture by tonight, you’re fired!”

He later expound on his threat to terminate me.

“After that, I would hire you just to fire you again, so you really know you are garbage as a human being! Why are you still here? Go get Spiderman!”

To adapt to the change in management, The Collegian staff began distributing earplugs. They also have discussed just getting a new Editor-in-Chief.

The new focus on the web-slinger has also changed the face of The Collegian newspaper. The paper has replaced variety, commentary and sports sections with more pictures of Spiderman.

The staff worries they will start running out of pictures of the superhero. A new hire at The Collegian, Peter Parker, gave his opinion on the issue.

“Ummm. I’m definitely not Spiderman.”

Guglielmetti has also expressed interest in hiring more photographers and firing writers to make room.

“This is journalism! All of you are fired. Actually, maybe you guys can write about Spiderman. You’re all hired. What are you doing still in my office! Get out of here or you are fired!”

To keep their jobs, The Collegian staff has been asking the new Graphics Editor, Conner “I get paid to Photoshop” Maggio, to edit Spiderman into pictures photographers have already taken for the paper.

“I mean,” said Maggio, “having Spiderman in a picture with President Clancy may have been pushing it. But he looks pretty natural in the crime report section.”

Still, the staff’s ways of dealing with The Guginator are running thin. This past weekend, the newly-hired News Editor, Ethan Veenker, attempted a one-on-one conversation with the man. Veenker only opened the door before the Guglielmetti berated him.

“Is that you, Veenker? If you don’t get out of my office by the time I count to three, I’m going to smash you into a pulp with my bare fists and feed you to our printers! Why is your jaw dropping like that? Do I look like a dentist? Out!”

Some blame J. Gucci’s mustache, which he grew the minute he got promoted to Editor-in-Chief. It may raise his blood pressure or something.

The only attempt someone made to shave it failed. For more details on that, visit The Collegian’s obituary page.
As a last resort, The Collegian elected to post an ad for more pictures of Spiderman in the paper. If you need a quick buck, and happen to know where to find him, please send in a picture. We all want to keep our jobs.

Post Author: Brennen Gray