Faculty invents “super alcohol,” professors miss classes

In recent weeks it has become apparent that the chemistry department at TU knows how to party, but maybe a little too much. After a number of incidents in the faculty lounge, authorities were forced to impose a two-drink limit on faculty. This resulted in chemistry professors across campus banding together to find a way to still get fucking turnt with only two drinks.

Together, professors synthesized a chemical “superalcohol”, which has similar effects as ethanol on the human body, but much more extreme. The chemical, which is a unique hydrocarbon ring, is 3 times more water soluble and 2 times stronger of a central nervous system depressant than ethanol. They quickly turned it into a beverage which they lovingly dubbed the “O-Chem II final.” A local bottling company picked up the beverage, and the new product was unveiled at the faculty club last friday.

The label states that the drink is 100 proof, which is technically correct considering that only 50 percent of the volume is made up of the new “superalcohol.” A representative from the FDA stated that proof on the label is “chemically accurate” but then went on to say that he “wouldn’t touch the stuff with a ten foot pole.” Some experts estimate that compared to ethanol-based drinks, the solution would be around 600-700 proof.

An accident occurred during the production of the first test batch and a lab TA ended up being rushed to the hospital. “It all happened so fast,” stated the TA’s professor, “one second she was just just making a solution, and then poof.”

However, no consumption of the alcohol was involved. According to sources, a small static shock from the TA’s wool sweater caused the superalcohol to violently combust. The TA miraculously only suffered minor burns.

The Monday following the beverage’s unveiling, students received a barrage of emails from professors canceling classes that day due to “sickness.” Soon after, the University President sent an all-school email canceling classes for the entire week due to “illness” running rampant through the faculty. The sickness was described as “extreme headaches, thirst, and nausea”. Some faculty reported exceptional sensitivity to even dim light and soft sounds. Many witnesses reported faculty recently becoming extremely irritable.

The State-Run Media attempted to obtain statements from several faculty members who attended the drink’s unveiling, but all of them stated they had absolutely no recollection of that night.

A few of them said they had no memory of this past weekend at all. The only official word from the chemistry department about its new product was that “alcohol is, in fact, a solution.”

Post Author: tucollegian

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *