Five easy ways for TU students to cut costs around campus

The Buried Treasure Scavenger Hunt: Rumor has it that there are free book waivers for the bookstore buried in random places by the Physical Plant. There will be shovels distributed at Hardesty sometime in the upcoming week. Keep your ear to the ground for that one.

The Body of David S. Francis:
How many people do you know that have seen the bells of Sharp Chapel? That’s right, not one. There was only one person who knew where the bells actually were, and that was David S. Francis. If you can find the bells, you will find his final resting place. In the coat pocket of the suit he was buried in is a half-off coupon for Hot Topic.

Fighting for the Dean’s Honor: Now we’re getting into some riskier territory. For this, you’ll need a like-minded individual. You and your opponent-to-be need to go to the Dean’s house, stand 30 feet apart and then face the house. In proper style, you should both say, “Those who are about to die salute you.” If you hear “Go well” or, you know, just perfect silence, the fight is on. This is a gladiatorial fight to the death. If you spare your victim, you will receive 1/4 of a Presidential Scholarship, but if you finish them, you will be rewarded with 1/2 of the aforementioned scholarship. If the Dean somehow has not noticed the fight by this time, go knock on the door and explain that you won the scholarship. It will be deposited in your account the next day.

Murder for Money: Due to a clerical error and a law from the mid-19th century, when a student dies on campus, the last person who saw them inherits their financial aid. Does it make sense to me? Hell no. Is it highly profitable and outrageously exploitable? Hell yes. All you have to do is be around when numerous people die. So if you like taking advantage of others’ pain as much as I do, then this is definitely for you.

Selling Your Body: Here’s one that’s tough to talk about, but if you’re still reading this, it means that you really don’t have other options. According to the FBI, the black market price of a kidney alone is upwards of $200,000. With that statistic in mind, just imagine how much an entire body runs for. Now’s the hard part: Marketing. The black market isn’t something you just ask around for (well it can be, if you like police) you have to know people. Start by going to Collins hall and ask to speak to the Senior Marketing Advisor. If done successfully, the secretary will make a phone call and take you to the back room. You will lay on the table and be anesthetized. When you wake up, your body will have been sold to traffickers and on its way to Oklahoma City; in your account, you will find what they deem your body worth. You’ll be little more than a head in a jar, but from this point on, money will be the least of your concerns.

Post Author: tucollegian

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