Goldie has a new sugar baby in a lab half her age! Leonardo Dicaprio who?
Canine ambassador or COUGAR ambassador? Our sources say Goldie took out a young lab pup for a “puppuccino” on TU’s dime. The question that is on everyone’s minds is: who is this new lover and will it last?
After a long night at the library, our unnamed top secret source saw something suspicious and decided to investigate. Goldie was wearing a dog sweater, all dolled up, and for what? Little did our source know the better question was “for whom.”
As they watched Goldie, they noticed a suspicious golf cart speeding through the night. It stopped in front of Goldie and she jumped in. Our unnamed and courageous source began their chase.
Attempting to identify the driver was a fruitless endeavor. All that was noted was that the driver was wearing a ski mask with pinstripes. This mystery, our brave investigator could not solve.
Jumping in their car, our fearless detective chased down the cart only to find that it had no longer picked up just one Canine. A young yellow lab stud with long floppy ears was sitting just a little too close to our beloved ambassador.
The chase continued all the way to the Starbucks, where the masked, dapper fellow and escort for the two promiscuous pups, ordered two puppuccinos to go. Where might these two young lovers be headed, you ask? No where else than the Petsmart to get a bath together. Frisky!
How this naughty behavior from our so-called “ambassador” reflects on our campus is a question worth investigating. We interviewed some students to find out. The question posed? “What do you think of our beloved canine ambassador acting like a… uh… female dog?”
“Honestly, it is disgusting,” Ronald Nixon, a representative of the college republicans, explained, continuing, “how our Presbyterian university could allow these unmarried, unbaptized mutts to go at it like rabbits — you know bathing and eating together — is beyond me. Chick-fil-A, and my dad who owns a nearby Chick-fil-A franchise, will be hearing about this.”
Kelly, representing the Panhellenic Council, who was wearing a tee-shirt labeled “Girlboss” simply stated: “She’s in her villain era. Hashtag slay!” before calling the police to report a poor woman within 1000 yards of sorority row. Big drama! I love it!
We asked some women and gender studies majors their opinions and there was some argument between them. Kathleen, a senior, argued that “Were the roles reversed, would we be having this conversation? Or is it simply that women who are living their sexual truth are dismissed as being too ‘frisky?’ If we are to make any progress, then women’s sexuality must no longer be demonized.” A sophomore named Betty chimed in, explaining that she disagreed, “The relationship between older dogs and younger dogs is inherently patriarchal regardless of who is older.” Kathleen responded, “That is very Second Wave of you Betty.” “Shut the fuck up Kathleen.” Jeff, a male feminist, responded, “This whole situation is a Fruedian nightmare.”
A furry group also made a comment: “aroooooo-rooooo bark, bark, grr, yap.” Spill that tea dog!
