Google releases new “Mom-Mode” in latest update

It’s been a slow week for the tech industry recently, not one American multinational technology company has released even a single overpriced smartphone with a non-phonetic name and no home button anymore for some reason. However, there was one big announcement this past Tuesday. Google has just come out with a new update that has millions of internet users raving: “Mom-Mode”.
“Mom-Mode” manifests itself as a button underneath the “Google Search” and “I’m Feeling Lucky” buttons, replacing those pesky charity donation links. Upon activating Mom Mode, all font sizes will become 200 percent larger, the Google logo will become either an inspirational quote or joke about wine and the screen will turn a warm summer color. But the main operation of the new setting is its search function. With every search, all run-on sentences are shortened to tangible search terms.
Say it’s Memorial Day, and your mom is trying to whip up some of her world famous pecan sandy ice cream muffin brownies, and you know these are just the best dang pecan sandy ice cream muffin brownies that anyone’s ever tasted, like she won the blue ribbon at the Pecan Sandy Ice Cream Muffin Brownie Contest at the state fair 5 years running, and you just gotta have one but the old knob on your mom’s vintage baking oven is stuck again. If it isn’t fixed and you don’t have those pecan sandy ice cream muffin brownies, your Memorial Day cookout is going to be at least 15 times less American. All your mom can do is google “my 1958 vintage GE baking oven that i got at a yard sale in Tucson is stuck have tried all methods of greasing it wd40 vegetable oil water nothing works please help” and we all know that with all those terms in there, your poor mama is gonna be stuck wading through millions of videos and blog posts that have absolutely nothing to do with her predicament. This was the main concern Google programmers had while developing the Mom Mode feature.
“We as a country can’t keep letting these kinds of things get in the way of our mothers.” says Joseph Hollister, the lead developer on the MM project. “Between stuck oven knobs, tvs that won’t turn on and cars that are starting to ‘feel funny’, I don’t know how our moms even have time to sleep! And frankly, I’m disgusted by the lack of concern our society has for our mothers these days. Kids just running around, breaking things and being horrible, and instead of fixing their messes they just sit around and stare at memes while moms are left to deal with their shit. And the worst of it is, Google is the main plug for these kids’ dank memes. When I realized the part we played in all this, I knew something had to be done. That’s when the idea for Mom Mode was born.”
Hollister says the days of things breaking and kids being bloodthirsty vermin will never cease, but with Mom Mode, mother’s will no longer have as hard of a time dealing with them. Now, with the click of a button, those long and cumbersome mom searches will be reduced to no more than two or three keywords. The MM algorithm erases all adjectives, adverbs, helping verbs, pronouns, articles, and anything on the other side of a conjunction or punctuation mark. It also features an advanced safe search feature that compiles recent news articles and cross references the content with NSFW information and determines if certain searches would be too vulgar for a mother’s eyes. For example, a search beginning with “ Ted Cruz twitter” would result in the immediate cancellation of the search and forced shut down of the computer.
Mom Mode is expected to save mother’s an average of 200 hours per week searching the internet. Leaving them more time to send long run-on texts and voicemails instead.