Kevin Stitt shocks the state of Oklahoma with the legalization of Schedule 1 drugs and his insistence that “only pussies dont toke it up.”
In a surprise move, Oklahoma governor Kevin Stitt issued an executive order, effective immediately, legalizing recreational weed, LSD and magic mushrooms. Alcohol, on the other hand, is now illegal. “I tried ‘em all, and that alcohol shit fucks you up more than anything,” stated Stitt clearly high off his ass, swatting violently at the air as if he was hallucinating flying will-o’-the-wisps wielding pro-choice picket signs.
At a press conference yesterday concerning this drastic change in stance, Stitt began his speech by quoting the Urban Dictionary definition of “zooted” as “when you are so high that you forgot you ordered pizza.” He continued, “That is something that I want the average Oklahoman to be able to experience without fearing legal repercussions.” He explained to skeptical business representatives that this would be financially great for the state’s culinary sector because of the resulting “massive increase in munchies per-capita.” To concerned prison lobbyists he assured that we would find some way to keep our stats high, asserting that they are “committed fully to keeping us in the top five.”
Is this an attempt to broaden his political base in advance of the 2022 gubernatorial election, or did his radical liberal cousin from Boulder peer pressure him into trying drugs? We reached out to Stitt’s office for comment to learn the story behind why this happened. “We made the mistake of taking him on a tour of the police department and the police chief challenged him to try the seized drugs as they do on a daily basis,” admitted his secretary dejectedly, holding back tears. “I don’t know, you lose sight of him for one minute, and next thing you know he’s tripping off LSD and talking nonsense about supporting women’s rights. He’s just not himself.”
In response to outcries from the college community, Stitt released a statement on social media platforms defending the banning of alcohol, simply repeating, “Bro, that shit will fuck you up more than anything else.” He expressed his confusion as to why alcohol was legal instead of less harmful substances, like LSD, making sure to clarify that he was not advocating for LSD usage “all willy nilly, but your liver is gonna be a hell of a lot better off than it would be with heavy drinking.”
Health experts have responded by saying that, while the governor was not entirely incorrect, they suggest that you consult your doctor to see if weed, LSD or shrooms interact with your totally safe prescriptions, like opioids. A representative of a pharmaceutical company expressed concern that with access to recreational drugs, their exciting, name brand medications will have less demand. They implored their customers to “please remember just how fun those opioids that you got that one time were. Other highs just won’t compare!”
At press time, Stitt was found fleeing the state capital with the entire state’s supply of girl scout cookies in a hotboxed bulletproof SUV, screaming “you can’t catch me you fucking pigs!” out the window at pursuing police cars.