Taurus (April 20-May 20): It is highly unlikely that you will finish your paper on time this week. It would be smart to ask for an extension now, rather than wait until the last minute to let your professor know that it will be late.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Romance will be taking root this week, so be on the lookout for small signs. They could be subtle, but more likely than not your love interest will be startlingly abrupt.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Go enjoy some seafood this week, Cancer. Get sushi from the Union or go to Red Lobster. You deserve it. Obviously don’t do this if you are allergic to shellfish or seafood. Unless you want to pull a risky prank.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You have a lot of midterm grades coming in this week, so make sure you keep your chin up but your ego low. We are all here to learn and grow as people, and these grades are not a reflection on who you are as a person or how the professor feels about you. Unless of course that professor happens to hate your guts, which is always a possibility. In that case, there’s nothing you can do, so don’t worry about it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): It would be a good idea to get out and around this week. Go to events around campus, or at the very least, go eat in Pat Case. You haven’t left your room in quite a while now, and people are beginning to worry. On that note, now would be a good time to call your mother. She worries, you know?
Libra (September 23-October 22): Confess. Everyone knows what you’ve done and it’s only a matter of time before the consequences of your actions begin to catch up with you. You will save everyone a lot of time and trouble if you come clean now.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): The heaping mound of laundry in the corner of your room isn’t getting any smaller, Scorpio. Take the time Wednesday to do a load or two in between doing your homework or putting the finishing touches on that big project. You’ll have clean clothes to end the week with, and you will finally be able to change your socks.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Now would be a good time to crack open a textbook. We’re about halfway through the semester and the only thing you’ve done is catch up on Survivor.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Have you ever seen the animal symbol for your sign, Capricorn? Have you actually looked at the picture right next to these words? It’s called a “sea goat.” It is literally a mermaid goat. Everyone else has a somewhat reasonable or realistic sign except for you, because all of the other horoscope signs represent objects, animals or human figures. You just had to be different, didn’t you? (affectionately, of course)
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Watch out for hot beverages this week. Some of the most common burns are from self-inflicted incidents, usually involving hot liquids. You are more susceptible this week because of mystical forces that are far too vast to explain. Well, I guess we could explain them, but only if you gave us $15 and a Wendy’s frosty. Surely your safety is worth at least that much?
Pisces (February 19-March 20): It’s spooky season Pisces. We all know that you want an intricate and unique costume to blow the competition away this year. We would suggest getting on that right now.
