Aries (March 21- April 19): Finals are gearing up and around the corner. Instead of going home and drinking your sorrows away for all of your fall break, you should focus on getting started on that semester long paper you gave yourself one week to do. It won’t write itself.

Taurus (April 20- May 20): Look up, things are getting brighter and brighter this week, or maybe your eyesight is just getting worse because of your criminally blue eyes that you “just have to tell everyone” about. We get it. Your eyes are blue. Shut up about it for once.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You get so much hate on Instagram for an arbitrary birthday, and I would like to be the first to say that it is oh so deserved. You could probably boil a pot of water with the anger stewing off of you 24/7. Please talk to your success coach, they’ve been trying to reach you for weeks now.

Cancer (June 22- July 22): Womp womp, final issue of The Collegian of the semester and you pulled the shortest of short straws. No horoscope for you, come back next semester.

Leo (July 23- August 22): You know what’s crazy? Trying to “common sense” your way through an exam that you need to be studying for three weeks ago. Stop trying to fool yourself or your professor into thinking that you studied for any longer than the walk from ACAC to wherever your exam took place.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Fall break is coming up. Don’t fall down a well, that’s typically a bad thing. Or you might become Batman if you do. I don’t care, not my circus, not my monkeys.

Libra (September 23- October 23): A major choice is coming up in the near future. Decide between these two options carefully, as one will end with you being the happiest you have ever been, and the other is you continuing down an engineering path.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Happy belated birthday, or happy birthday later this week, or happy birthday today! Go celebrate at the classiest establishment: Burger King, where they serve sandwiches fit only for a king like you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You have got to let yourself have a good cry. You need it so badly even your professor asked you if you were doing alright. Please go take a long shower and cry, I do not want to hear about how badly you need to cry for the 2,221st time this week.

Post Author: Alex Soeder