Aries (March 21-April 19): How do you feel about spending Valentine’s Day alone? I hope you see a dozen happy couples experiencing a happy day, and you have to watch them, alone. Or go to QT and grab six egg rolls, happiness comes from QT, not a relationship.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Let’s focus on a positive week here pimps. To all my non J-named Taurus’, have a beautiful week with a bunch of self-love and good introspection. J-named Taurus’, forget my number.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Focus on yourself this week. No one cares about the failure of situationship 53, and I can guarantee that 52 and below won’t reach out after experiencing your “personality.” Love is dead, at least for you, womp womp.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Take a moment to reopen a textbook this week. Get some information into the wrinkles and folds of your brain. Dust off some of those nasty dictionaries too, lawd knows those wrinkles and folds have little to nothing within them.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Happy Valentine’s Day, let’s take a minute and perform some self-reflection. Am I a good person? Have I done good things this week? How can I be better? Can I be better? Can I be good? Who am I?

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Command Z the last few decisions of your life, and redo them. You have had so many opportunities to make it work out, it can’t be anyone’s fault but yours at this point. Take some responsibility, and make some changes.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Pay attention to where you walk this week Libra. The horoscope has decided that you shall step into every puddle that accumulates on the campus of the University of Tulsa. The bricks will stick to your feet, and attempt to steal your shoes.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Expect some shake ups or even some breakups. Valentine’s day is here and it should be time to fear for the consistency of you as an individual. You are so consistently inconsistent, your daily vitamins/medicine fear an 8 A.M. administration.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): No love for you this week. Show up to work, and show up on time. Or don’t, it’s not like your boss is going to yell at you anyways. Thanks for being an essential part of the workforce, now please show up at 8 A.M. safety meeting, OSHA is waiting for you.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Happy Valentine’s Day, enjoy the holiday, and enjoy the time you get to spend with your significant other. They care deeply about you and enjoy your presence. Also check out the cool flowers they probably got you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Happy birthday, or happy belated birthday, or happy upcoming birthday! Go celebrate it and get some great local coffee off-campus, the state’s largest coffee shop can wait another week before you spend your dining dollars at it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Stay out of the kitchen and stop cooking this week. You did great last week, so let’s keep the record up by never cooking again, and refraining from making comments, or attempting to cook, ever again.

Post Author: Alex Soeder