Aries (March 21-April 19): Move on from your long lost love life loser, I won’t give you any pity and neither will the world. Grow up and transition to the understanding that you’re going to grow old alone. Maybe even in a nursing home.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Feeling indecisive this week? You aren’t alone Taurus. Watch your stress this week as you manage a work-life imbalance that will teeter you over the edge of working into full-time fun. Also stay away from Starbucks, you’ve given them too much money already.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Keep away from opening letters this week. Big paper-cut energy coming your way if you handle any letter this week, especially ones from the IRS. You might be getting audited, but it’s okay that you lied on your tax forms, the IRS isn’t really real.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): This week, watch out when you walk by the edge of buildings. Pianos have been reported to fall off of rooftops this week, and no one wants to get keyed by a Steinway, especially not you. And if you do, please talk to someone.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Your cross-country road trip should get put on the back-burner, maybe get your oil changed instead. You’re 3,500 miles overdue, your car is screaming in pain, and you’re about to be shit outta luck without a car.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Be wary of public restrooms this week. Big falling-in-public-toilet-energy this week. Let’s focus on staying out of the toilet typhoon and staying afloat with the struggle of a situationship. Or learn how to swim, but either way take a shower sometime soon.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Sol is a nightmare, and you are Freddy Krueger. Your bowels are rock-solid and the constipation you feel is just the ninth bowl of mid-tier rice and beans you’re eating for the 53rd time this semester. Please stay away from me.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Sorry that your life sucks, have you tried Timely Care? Timely Care is a higher education’s most trusted virtual health and well-being provider that offers students free and equitable access to mental health support.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Your belongings are not broken, maybe use some percussive maintenance instead of whining like a toddler when things don’t work the first time. Or throw a tantrum, kicking and screaming on the floor. And do it in a Walmart, that would be even better.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Hey loser, your birthday is over, stop being a mega loser and talking about it still, loser. You should get back to going to classes on time too, your professors would appreciate it and so would your attendance grade.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Not everything is about you, Aquarius. Take a step back and let some other people take the limelight, you’ve spent more than enough in it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You’re about as bright as a bag of wet mice. You probably make the squidward walking noise every time you step on tile as well. Gross.

Post Author: Alex Soeder