Aries: As a masochist, you will be very aroused this week. Take that as you will.
Taurus: This week will suck for you because everyone will find out that your fraternity’s spiritual founder is Robert E. Lee. It’s KA. I am talking about Kappa Alpha. The big one that’s not Pike or Kappa Sigma. Now defend yourself, you spineless cowards!
Gemini: Try to speak up more in class this week. Everyone appreciates your contributions. Unless they are bad, in which case I suggest you never speak in class again. Whatever you want to do. Jesus, this is a horoscope not a therapy session. I think you are expecting a little bit too much from me here.
Cancer: Who am I kidding, you are a neurotypical, upper-class, cishet, white man. You just can’t fucking lose.
Leo: I have been trying to reach you concerning your car’s extended warranty, for real though, it will actually expire on October third. Haha, this is kinda fun.
Virgo: You will have the best week of your entire life with the addition of a surprise ending! This is my sign, what am I going to do, give myself a bad horoscope? I think the fuck not. I love surprises and it’s my horoscope baby, what are you gonna do?
Libra: TU knows you smoked weed last week and campo is en route to your location. If your dad is not a lawyer or big time donor, I suggest you leave the country as soon as possible.
Scorpio: You will need to go sole searching this week. No, that is not a typo. Someone will steal the bottoms of all your shoes and a Scooby Doo-esque mystery will ensue, culminating in a comical chase scene through the stacks in the library basement, all while a librarian—who has had a rough enough day already—will chase you because of your lack of adequate footwear.
Sagittarius: You will win the lottery and by reading this, you are contractually required to give me half. It’s the least you could do. I’m doing you a favor here.
Capricorn: You are going to trip on a branch this week exactly four times. Hahaha, my power is unlimited. You are but a pawn in my game. I am God!
Aquarius: You do not even get a horoscope. You know what you did. Be weary lest you find yourself under the purview of my limitless wrath. Writhe in the agony that is the uncertainty of life. Chaos surrounds you. I am infinite, only limited by the confines of my creativity. You will be stuck not knowing even the slightest hint towards your future. I do not grant you the privilege of foresight.
Pisces: You will be convicted of murder this week. Wow, this is fantastic, I’m invincible. Wait… No, not me, please… aaugh! you’ve stabbed me! Oh, my hubris was my downfall. This is why God is scared of his creation. Like Steve Buscemi in Spy Kids 2 sai…