Aries (March 21-April 19): Double whammy UTI and depressive episode this week Aries. Go drink some cranberry juice and ponder how “refusing to break the seal” for 36 hours might have ended up with you getting beaten up by your bladder, and losing.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Big gas station energy this week Taurus, so take a Quik Trip and take a hike from your classes unless you need those attendance points. Don’t be lame and rot in bed though, go to Bora-Bora or somewhere cool, like Michigan.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): great job Gemini, you made it through last week and survived. No, you won’t get a participation trophy for your minimal effort, but you will get a gold star on your 3rd grade behavior board, so congrats?

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Grow up and get a life Cancer, you can’t make it by relying on your Dads credit card to purchase your life achievements. You’re an adult, so act like one and take responsibility for your actions last week. And flush the damn toilet.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Maybe you should consider getting an Iphone Leo, TU wifi, along with the rest of this campus, hates the Samsung Galaxy A23 5g. Also fix your air conditioning in your car, it’s a billion degrees in that thing whenever the sun shines down on it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Please stop calling me every single day, I do not want to talk to you that often. You are annoying and do not understand what a boundary is, but damn have you crossed it half a million times. Loser. Also go take a shower, you stink.

Libra (September 23-October 22): The strange old lady that approaches you and calls you Chad is not a sweet old lady, stay the hell away from her. She is trying to steal your kidney and is using the excuse of a different name to try to steal your organs, especially those nephrons.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): That unsanctioned boxing match is not one you should participate in, even if you are strapped for cash. There are state regulations in place so people are safe, and this boxing match could end up in a hospital visit (those are pricey btw).

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Let’s accept the fact that your roommate agreement is a legally binding contract that you can barely change. Stop arguing with your roommate/suitemates over who needs to clean it, when it’s your weekend, you do it, end of discussion.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): How many times do you almost shit your pants in one week before it starts to become concerning? Who knows? You sure do Capricorn, so take this week to snag some adult diapers and bundle up before you have yet another accident. 2 times in one week is criminal.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Hyperhidrosis headass. Take a shower and clean the sheen of sweat off of your forehead that’s been shining for the last two hours. Wainwright sent in an email asking you to take care of this issue as he can’t grade any of your assignments when the papers are wet. Invest in a headband.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You get an AI horoscope this week because I don’t like you: Watch out for confrontations early in the week, but mid-week is favorable for work and love. Be cautious with finances on Thursday and Friday, and prioritize self-care throughout the week.

Post Author: Alex Soeder