Aries (March 21-April 19): Embrace your inner rodent this week, Aries. You have both the physical and mental energy of a New York subway tunnel rat, and you should flaunt that with confidence. Who cares what anyone thinks of your stench, you’re too cool jumping turnstiles and avoiding fines to take notice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It’s almost Taurus season, Taurus, so get ready for a rough and rowdy rematch relegating you as just another star sign. But don’t expect anyone to really care, each of these lame signs besides you also just so happens to have a season, yours is just secretly the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the pick of the litter, the top of the heap, the crème de la crème.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Brace for the two-face mace this week, Gemini. You will put on your shoes backwards with mismatched socks, so be prepared for the growing pains of being a not-so-great person. But fear not Gemini, the other half of you is Hatshepsut reincarnate, the adopted pharaonic bearer of rule.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Hide your assets, Cancer, the band-burglar-bandit is returning to campus within the next 217 years and they are supposedly making the rounds on your social security number. So get a fire-proof safe and a biometrically locked door to ensure that you won’t be a victim of identity theft, as we know that identity theft is not a joke.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Your poor life decisions are not a result of these horoscopes, Leo. That is a result of the fact that you have chosen poor life decisions. Anyways, watch out this week for extra hidden sodium in a rice bowl. The salt-deity has decided for you to get hydrated one way or another, and we both know you don’t drink enough water.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Are you allergic to cats, Virgo, or are cats allergic to you? Either way, you’re suffering because you can’t pet them, or you suffer when you do pet them. Also don’t try to steal a campus cat and claim it as your own, you’re not doing that animal any favors.

Libra (September 23-October 22): You’re either dating or you’re not, Libra, make up your damn mind about the “situationship” that you’ve been leading on for the last six months. Your friends (not therapists by the way) are exhausted from another week of mediocre updates about your boring love life.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Keep an eye or two out this week for the pesky pedestrians that wander through the crosswalks on campus, Scorpio. Doing a California stop at the stop signs does not qualify as a real stop, and it is incredibly dangerous for a 7 second time save. Don’t be lame.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Take a cautious approach to your daily stroll this week, Sagittarius. The walking-stars-that-control-walking-prophecies have selected you to stumble on every brick across campus in front of as many people you know as many times as possible. Avoid the bricks at all costs, even if you have new shoes and take them for a mud bath.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Are you secretly a Scorpio, Capricorn, or do you have the personality of someone with a scorpion tattoo on their leg? Either way, watch out for a bunny-sized llama this week, it spits, it shits, and it will definitely be rude to you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Craving a nap this week, Aquarius? Maybe you should fix your sleep schedule instead of focusing on “getting a little bit of sleep to make you feel better.” Or flip your sleep schedule to be a true night owl and join our Editor-in-Chief in Rayzor, in definitely not the soldering lab.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Horoscopes are finally back for everyone, Pisces, so welcome back to the weekly rotation. In your absence, I hope you had a fantastic Spring Break. You’ve got a light week ahead, so watch out for traffic cones and pay attention to the stop lights around town.

Post Author: Alex Soeder