Aries (March 21-April 19): Are you a psychopath, a cereal killer, or are you just really into post-modern art Aries. Either way your fits are atrocious, your music taste is mid, and you probably prefer to eat your cereal with water first, then cereal on top. And you like rice krispies, you flavor-fearing-freak.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): I’m not mad I’m just disappointed Taurus. You somehow love the s’mores flavored pop-tarts and everything bagel seasoning from Trader Joes. You probably think the spinach feta cheese wrap from Starbucks is spicy and painful to eat. Salt and pepper shouldn’t be “spicy”, Ms. Spice Intolerance. Your ability to eat red pepper flakes does not make you tolerant to spicy foods either by the way.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): So proud of you for being respectful and nice to your close friends for the one day of the year. Let’s keep up that nice energy and expand it to two, maybe even three days Gemini. Your friends will appreciate it and you might even get a free coffee out of that deal.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Take a chill on the expand vocabulary button with ChatGPT. The TA grading your papers does not get paid enough to read the 127 word long run on sentence you have deemed worthy of 46 commas, and you should expect to be called out for your lack of Oxford Comma understanding.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Those two morning classes that were canceled this past week were not an indicator of a good week this week. Beware of your drive side door permanently locking Leo. This is a sign that you should not be driving this week, especially with your bad driving skills and history of crying while driving. Multi-tasking has never been your forte, so don’t work on it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): The eclipse this week is a sign to not stare at the sun. Like at all. The sun is dangerous and should not be looked at. This is not reverse psychology, do not stare at it without proper eye protection. Also those eclipse sunglasses you bought make you look like a nerd.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Big migraine energy this week. Head to Walgreens and pick up the largest bottle of Excedrin you can find. If it’s extra strength you get extra credit. After this, head back to your campus life and continue on as normal, holding that extra strength Excedrin near and dear to your heart. But be cautious about your caffeine intake Libra.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Health equals wealth and your bank account is looking rough. Don’t transfer from your savings, that is bad banking practice and you will get marks against your account if you continue to do that as often as you have been doing.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Go outside and touch grass Sagittarius. Enjoy the weather that is blessing this state. Even if that weather is thunderstorms. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Go dance in the rain. Enjoy the sunshine. Life is too beautiful to spend the limited time you have sitting in your room scrolling through media that does nothing for you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Your friends only know you as the Tornado of Terror. You have spent far too long throwing piles of laundry around your established sleeping zone. Now it is time to throw that laundry back into the wardrobe you have feared for far too long. It is time to clean Aquarius. Not time to lean.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): World’s worst lobster impression right here Capricorn. Keep up the lego batman impression instead, you “crime-fighting, night-stalking vigilante.” This city needs you to take your Claritin and fight those allergies. Keep away from the pollen this week, even if your non-existent car is covered in it. Your fear of driving will keep you from contracting hay fever.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You are not a parkour specialist Pisces. Take a step back and walk like everyone else. Getting from point A to point B as inconvenient and flashy as possible does nothing to help your ever-falling attendance grade. Maybe take some time to plan out a route so you stop showing up to class 32 minutes late.

Post Author: Alex Soeder