Aries (March 21-April 19): Allergy season approacheth Aries. The trees covered in their beautiful yellow are blooming across campus, and the pollen that comes off of them will make mucus of your nostrils. Beware the yellow dust covering your car, but celebrate your birthday with a sniffle or seven, as this year marks a change in your ability to care for others and not be narcissistic.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Now is as good of a time as any to share your list of desired birthday items. Be sure to include the industrial strength kleenex you seem to run out of instantly whenever a single molecule of pollen hits the ground within the state. Be wary of stray branches this week, they will come out of absolutely nowhere and take you to the ground, if not out.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Big debate kid energy this week Gemini. The people around you can smell you before they see you. You might even fall asleep on the ACAC floor if you aren’t careful. So bring an extra pair of shoes, a change of clothes, and a shower caddy to prepare for the impending stench that is going to leech from your pores.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Beware of falling couches this week Cancer. The stars have aligned and opened up the sky to increase the likelihood of you catching a couch to the cranium. This will definitely increase the time it takes for you to move out of your apartment, but fear not. The sidewalks are safe, but the streets are safer.
Leo (July 23-August 22): The UV index for this upcoming week is an average of 7, so prepare and bring your SPF 100, which is only marginally better than SPF 50, by the way. If not, get ready to be redder than a chrysanthemum within 30 minutes of your solar suffering. Invest in a straw hat at this point, you need it at this point and the skin on the back of your neck will thank you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Virgo, more like vertigo. You probably rotate from elevators through top mid instead of CT spawn. Big Silver 1 energy 24/7 from you Virgo. Don’t waste your eco rounds pretending you know lineups. Go through scaffold next time you rotate through underpass. Just learn the map at this point.
Libra (September 23-October 22): You are the ex-best friend of the friend group Libra. Please stop trying to live in the glory days of the past, they are over. Come to terms with the fact that these people will never speak to you as a friend again, and you will recognize that it is time to move on. Please stop lingering (this is not a Cranberries reference).
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Better Crank that Soulja Boy before it Cranks you Scorpio. Life has lots of lessons and it’s time for you to learn that losing is for losers, not winners. So be a winner and crank that shit before you get cranked, or suffer the consequences of being cranked out by that Soulja Boy. Your family and friends are counting on you to do this.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Your wanderlust is acting up again Sagittarius. Scratch that itch with a trip to Turkey Mountain Urban Wilderness Area. Before you book your spontaneous trip to Turkey Mountain Urban Wilderness Area, make sure to check your bank account. You wouldn’t want to show up to Turkey Mountain Urban Wilderness Area without a variety of snacks.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Ambition. Ambition is your middle name. Be careful not to choke on your aspirations when climbing the corporate ladder Capricorn. Especially when that ladder is leaning against the wrong corporate wall. So step with caution, take care with the rungs, and be wary of stepping on others’ hands.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Welcome to the New Jersey of the Plains Aquarius. Tulsa might be known as the “Paris of the United States,” but we know the real truth. Along with this wonderful brand, you are about as unique as a Starbucks in Manhattan. Embrace your inner conformist ideals, but don’t forget to recycle.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Be careful swimming in the sea of your emotions this week Pisces. Take care to doggy paddle your way out of the minor inconvenience of not being able to communicate your feelings. Make sure to throw a life jacket to those around you so they don’t drown in your wake.
