Horoscopes from The Collegian!

Aquarius — This week, you will be struck with acute wanderlust—you’re traveling, Aquarius! Your journeys will take you to the corner of a dark, decrepit park: there, the dead grass crunches under your step as the shadows grow longer, sunlight flickering like a windswept flame as you cross under bare trees and pass rusted jungle gyms. You’ll find her in the corner of the park. She stands motionless, gaze transfixed downward on the sidewalk. Waiting, ever so patient. You will rouse her attention, of course, Aquarius. She looks to you, and you see all of her: the full lips, the sultry gaze and the tease of bare legs that lead to a heeled boot. She is the sexy green M&M, the Jezebel exiled from society. And she is here to sell you Herbalife products.

Pisces — Congratulations, Pisces! You were finally selected to enter your cocoon for the winter and become a chrysalis. Love wins!

Aries — Alack! The local warlock has hexed you. For this week, Aries, you are cursed to only consume one type of media—and it’s “Glee.” You can only listen to covers from “Glee.” You can only watch episodes of “Glee.” “Glee” is all you know.

Taurus — Do NOT pick up spectral hitchhikers this week, even if they look innocent and helpless in their flowy, white gowns. They WILL goad you into smoking weed, and they WILL call you a pussy when you cough.

Gemini — The new moon highlights the intellectual section of your birth chart, meaning your mind will be heavy with philosophical and theoretical ponderings. Make sure to interrupt your professor to offer your superior insight over the readings. Did you know Fleet Type submarines composed the major portion of U.S. submarine fleets used during WWII? Sharing is caring!

Cancer — A pandemic? Mask mandates? Vaccinations? Wake up, dude, you’re dreaming again. Come on, get up and drop the PlayStation 2 controller. My mom made us some dinosaur chicken nuggets for dinner. Score!

Leo — *glomps you* xP

Virgo — Oh, Jesus Christ. The 5”9 guys who weigh 120 pounds and have permed hair are all sentenced to do wall pushups outside of QuikTrip. Again, guys? Seriously?

Libra — Hey, remember when in “Night at the Museum” The Thinker statue said, “Boom boom, fire power!” Yeah, that was pretty epic, huh? Anyway, this week will introduce new trauma for your psyche and future therapists to analyze.

Scorpio — The World Was On Fire And Nothing Could Save Me But You

Sagittarius — A gritty, hearth-warming friendship awaits you. You both avoid eye contact as you tie your horse’s reins. Your hands brush when they hand you a drink, that brief, gloved contact warming you much more than any heavy liquor. Companion. You test that word, softly saying it to yourself. Friend.

Capricorn — Please write for the Collegian. I am pissing and dripping and throwing up and whimpering right now.

Post Author: Anna Johns