Terrible things to come, but that’s always been the case.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Don’t try the Sol burger until August has come and gone, and if you do, good luck. That class that you failed last semester will surely go better this time. Pay attention to the number of people that say hello to you, it will be important later.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Hope you knew classes start this week, I know you don’t check your email, phone, mailbox, or carrier pigeon. The man behind you in the red shirt has a plan for you, go talk to him. If he is confused, keep pushing and he will relent.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Start a good book soon. The world fears you have forgotten how to read, and understanding the words of wisdom dispensed here is vital. Starbucks fall drinks are not worth “just trying,” keep getting the iced flat white that you know you enjoy.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): If you by chance have a dream about missing a class, it’s real and you’re late. First impressions are everything and you have started off strong. Watch a Harry Potter movie this week. Preferably Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone but Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is okay.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Your boss is going to call you early tomorrow morning, answer but do not say hello. The caller is not your boss and the person on the other side does not have your best interest in heart. In other news, Sol burgers are on the menu and completely safe to eat.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Take a shower please, it is 100 degrees outside and the holistic crystal deodorant is not doing enough. Go purchase a blue flavored popsicle, what flavor is blue, doesn’t matter eat it anyway. Any other color will not work, and will have disastrous consequences. Happy birthday and all that.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Reading the Collegian is considered a hangover cure. I know your friends want Taco Bell at 2am, say no, sleep is important. The crow following you isn’t malicious, it’s just advertising for the new hit movie “The Crow.” Don’t bother going and watching it, it is really not worth it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Attend a museum this week, enjoy some art, but don’t try and make any of your own. We all know that last painting you did scared the first person that viewed it. Get to bed early on Thursday, you have a big day to be well rested for.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Syllabus week brings both joy and confusion, the closing of QT across the street brings only pain. Keep your head up and class will fly by. Send a letter in the mail this week, content is irrelevant but a stamp must be placed on it.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Labor day is coming, you do already need a break. Check both ways before crossing the street as safety is important. Trees will bend down and grab you on the way to the library. This is normal for all who wish to study the knowledge written on paper.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The batteries in your TV remote will die soon, grab some AA’s next time you go to the store. Avoid any kind of large bodies of water, the Loch Ness Monster is real and looking for you. If spotted, it can be bribed with Flaming Hot Cheetos but you must be patient.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Make sure water is in the ramen bowl BEFORE you microwave it, smoke is bad to breathe. Ensure that you are participating on campus and read the Collegian. The next full moon will be your final transformation, have water and snacks on hand.
