Aries (March 21-April 19): This week, you will be tempted by the goddess Aphrodite. Unless you want to be embarrassed in front of all of your friends and acquaintances in the most Looney Tunes way possible, you might want to stay in your room and study for that test that’s coming up.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your stubbornness will lead to a confrontation with your best friend if you are not careful. Just remember that the TV show you are watching is fictional, and therefore the characters portrayed in that show are not real. It doesn’t really matter if the Ice Princess is smoking hot and would totally be into you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You will trip over your own backpack some time this week. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. Nevertheless, it will happen soon.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): You will be asked to present a project this week. Remember not to lock your knees and to not actually look at the audience members directly. You can zone in on one particular person’s forehead near the middle of the room, or just stare at the wall in the back.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Your compassion will be your downfall this week if you are not careful. There will soon come a time when you must choose between what is easy and what is right. You should choose what is easy. It’s less work and you get to go to bed early.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): This Sunday when the stars align, all Virgos will be summoned to Dietler Commons to perform a human sacrifice. Because Virgo is one of the most common signs, we are hoping for a larger turnout than what we had last year. Sacrifices will be provided as long as supplies last, but if you have someone in particular in mind please feel free to bring them along. The first thirty participants to arrive will be placed in the gift basket raffle.
Libra (September 23-October 22): There will be so many social events this week, you won’t know where to start! We suggest that you gravitate towards anything that has free food and is over before sunset. Any party that doesn’t have free food is a waste of time anyways.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Stay away from all tomatoes this week. We have it from a reliable source that microchips have been placed in the tomatoes to brainwash the population into believing that tomatoes actually taste decent. Do not be fooled. You will be our last hope in fighting these monsters.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Stay optimistic this week Sagittarius! Some strange things are going to happen, but your positive energy and plausible deniability will get you through it with barely a scratch.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): You will be invited to a picnic in Dietler Commons this Sunday! It will be an amazing time, with free food and refreshments being provided by the event organizers. You won’t need to tell anyone you are going though, since this event is for Capricorns only! Please wear white and have identification with you for later use.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You will start a creative project this week that will take about three months to complete. The end results will be worth it, but only if you have the guts and tenacity to stick with it. This could involve an art project, but really anything will do as long as you put your mind to it. Have fun creating!
Pisces (February 19-March 20): You are going to get a slightly less than favorable criticism on one of your latest assignments. Sorry.
