Come get your horoscopes!
Aries — Aries, this week’s prediction is fortuitous! I will be living in your intestines and siphoning your nutrients.
Taurus — Misery is on its way for the week, Taurus. A man will make you watch a video called “SJWs Getting Owned Compilation,” and you will have to endure its entire 12-minute length. On the plus side, some marijuana dispensaries offer discounts to veterans, so that’s something you can investigate.
Gemini — This week greets you with a new gait: heavy, thundering steps, sharpened claws jutting from your feet and a dark, sinister pep to your step. Campus cats will hiss at your skulking figure and flee from your sight. No one will be able to physically best you. You will be the Accursed Wolfman, and you’ll probably need to contact Student Access to receive some accommodations.
Cancer — You only exist because you assume you do. You are the monster you are hunting. You are the entity you summoned into this realm. Shall we kiss?
Leo — You will wake up in the middle of the night this week, Leo, and find a surprise sitting on the edge of the bed: a woman. You can pick out enough details to notice her curves, her glistening skin and her gaze frozen upon you, hungry and desiring. She is, of course, an elephant seal during mating season. Booyah!
Virgo — Virgo, you and I both know you’re no penisologist, but this week, you’re obligated to at least take a look.
Libra — Bloody Mary, Medusa, Samara, the mean principal from “Matilda,” The Bride of Frankenstein… They’re all famous female monsters. It’s your assignment to figure this out: what are we doing to our beautiful queens? Send your report to the Collegian office by the end of the week.
Scorpio — Sportsmanship is a dying value, Scorpio. After class, slap your professor on the ass and tell them, “Good game, bro. Let’s hit the showers.”
Sagittarius — The week ahead will be transformative—literally. You will wake up as a character in a 90s sitcom. You’ll swear you hear a chorus of laughs after every cheap quip, but no one else will seem to notice. In the bathroom before class, you will be pressured to smoke a cigarette by a group of cool youths. Meanwhile, your best friend Kimberly will be trying makeup for the first time, and it’s going to change her. She’ll join that group of cool youths in the bathroom, and she’ll join their jeers and taunts the next time you go there to piss and are instead corralled by binge-smoking nicotine-pushing teenagers. Better practice your touching reunion speech for when she learns the errors of her ways and stops wearing that whorish clown paint, Sagittarius!
Capricorn — The Ancient Egyptian sun god Ra weighs your heart on a scale with a feather and decides the weight of your sins. Lay out your offerings this week, Capricorn.
Aquarius — Haters want to see you in a padded cell. You’re the guy bringing back the word “derp” in everyday conversation.
Pisces — Hey, it’s me again, just lovingly pleading you to write for the Collegian. Would it help if I said I am writhing on the floor and your name is the only one I know? Hello?
