How I, our head satirist, have fared in my fight against admin

TU vs Kyle, the saga. Let us look back at our storied history of conflict.

I know we have had our ups and downs but as your favorite satirist, I thought I would write you a letter. You know me, I am a silly goose who likes being goofy and writing incendiary pieces about your policy choices and balloon arrangements.

I have probably been on a watchlist of yours since freshman year when I went into Collins Hall to ask about how people get on the Board of Trustees and you refused to answer my question. Now that I am in my last semester, I wanted to tell you how fun it has been. You are the alcohol to my liver, by that I mean I really should stop doing this because it is bad for my future but won’t because it is really fun.

After all these years and all this fun we have had, I thought we should take stock of the situation and show the battles we have had and who has won.

Kyle 0, TU 1: cafeteria food
The first blow dealt was the london broil, which somehow tasted both overcooked and raw. That was a rough year for me.

Kyle 1, TU 1: I emailed Michael McClendon anonymously and he was an ass
In the early days of True Commitment, I sent an email with my concerns to the then head of CAPS, Michael McClendon and he responded saying they were lying to students because of their mental health and that I can’t publish anything from his email. Jokes on him I do not have the email anymore because this was three years ago and I do not give a shit about his legal team. This is legally considered satire. Kiss my ass.

Kyle 2, TU 1: when I tried to ask a question to the staff in Hardesty but everyone was watching “The Office” on company time and no one was at the desk
I am counting this as a win for me because it is really funny.

Kyle 3, TU 1: When I asked a question so scary that I got ghosted by the communications department
I asked around to find out who decides how people get on the Board of Trustees (even though I knew it was just whoever throws money at the university) and I got pinballed between offices so much I got seasick. The last office I went to made an appointment with me then canceled it as I walked out of the room and referred me to the communications department, which asked why I wanted to know and then did not respond when I explained I was just curious.

Kyle 3, TU 2: Brad Carson read my article about him and said it was “actually funny” on Twitter
Jokes on me this time, I’ll admit it. That is fine, he still cannot read ticketing contracts, so I do not feel too bad about it.

Kyle 4, TU 2: Brad reads all my articles
I genuinely think I have more of a captive audience in Collins Hall than I do in my parents’ house. I am fine with that as I do not usually satirize my parents. I will thank you for always providing me with a plethora of subjects to satirize. You are my muse. Thank you.

Better luck next time, Brad.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison