How to get SA funding: a practical guide for treasurers

The first step to get money for your club back from SA is to be in a club. That requires having interests. If you do not have many of those, and thus an existing club covering an interest of yours does not exist on campus, you can always create your own. This requires having friends. If you do not have many of those, be sure to make each signature unique while you’re forging them.

Now that you have a club, you must hold elections to become treasurer. If you went with the forgery route, this should be very simple. Just vote for yourself. Also, simply volunteering to be treasurer should be enough for most clubs, since no one wants to do it. When an election is necessary, it has become apparent that attacking your opponent, using xenophobia and sexism and bragging about the size of your genitalia is the best strategy.

Once an event has been planned, the turning in of forms must begin. First is the event form on the SA website, which you can fill out provided that the website is in service. Then you must complete the Catering Exemption Form, which exists simply so that Sodexo can waste your time for not giving them money (this requires blissfully ignoring the fact that a French food company who operates prisons is required to be in the loop for every event on campus). Next, you sign a form to promise there won’t be alcohol at the event, a lie most students perfected in their high school days.

With all that out of the way, you attend a meeting called the FAC, where members of SA read your form in front of you and you assure them that yes, the numbers you put on the application are the ones you do in fact want, which could possibly be why you put them on the form in the first place.

To receive funding, you must advertise your event. This means putting up flyers in various buildings so that as many students as possible can know what they’re too lazy to attend. Chalk is another good way to spread the word. Making hopscotches that end up at your event are a surefire way to attract at least a couple impulsive students.

The next step is to have fun at your event, and ignore your mind telling you that yes, Stuart was right, Jimmy John’s would have been a much better choice than Papa John’s, since it’s the third time that week you’ve had it.

Suddenly, it’s a dark Tuesday night, and you descend into the basement of the business school as you stumble into the Senate chambers, feeling more drunk that the “slight buzz” you convinced yourself would help pass the time. There, you have to awkwardly stand while the members must navigate their labyrinthian rules in order to ask you a question. Then while they discuss and vote for your funding, you get to make like a paranoid schizophrenic and have to go out into the hall while your government talks about you behind your back.

Walking back in, they announce how much money you earned (“I hope that’s that amount I was asking for,” you think) and then they applaud, for you have now completed all their steps.

A couple more forms later and your bank account rises back up to the amounts it was at before the event, so now you can afford that extra guac at Chipotle once again.

Post Author: tucollegian

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