James Corden and other possible Democratic presidential candidates for 2024.
With the midterms happening tomorrow I thought — as the resident political expert — I would put out some predictions for who might be the Democratic party presidential candidate for 2024. With so many different sources claiming they know who will become the Democratic candidate, I am attempting to aid in quelling the confusion in this age of misinformation (or is it disinformation, I don’t know the difference).
Joe Biden
While this certainly is an option, the jury is still out on his survival chances for the next few years.
Hillary Clinton
Please dear God no. Just let me have five seconds of peace and leave me alone. Every day I pray to a God I do not believe in that this will not happen.
James Corden
The perfect candidate due to his astoundingly high likability rating. Unfortunately, he is British and ineligible so he may be a better candidate for Secretary of State. Foriegn-born people can be Secretary of State. For example, Kissigner did it. What could go wrong with another Kissinger in power?
Jeffrey Bezos
He’s already in charge, so why not? This would save everyone time and money in lobbying and it isn’t like there would be a significant change in policy platform. Also, drone strikes would arrive much faster and cheaper — but as a downside, it might put a few mom-and-pop military contractors out of business.
Me
I am not technically eligible, but since when has the law applied to presidents? Let me rule and all will bask in glory and wealth. I will cancel student debt and make all drugs legal and affordable. Trust me, it will be a good time. I’ll even throw in a tote bag with my face on it if you will vote for me.
Clarence Thomas
Talk about reaching across the aisle. So many people talk about fighting against polarization but no one is willing to commit to it. This would end polarization by making both parties authoritarian-right. Also, it would get him off the Supreme Court. Have any better ideas?
A wax figure of Ellen
Has the advantage of being more likable than the real Ellen. Also less likely than most other candidates to start a nuclear conflict.
A Soviet flag
I hear communism is “all the rage” with the youngsters. Also, it would look pretty sick in the Oval Office. That room is really in need of a good redecoration.
A framed picture of Ronald Reagan
Has the same policies as every other president since the real Reagan. That he would pull millions of voters over 65 who do not know that he died in 2004 is simply an added bonus.
Joe Manchin but with his name legally changed to Harambe
This ought to get the kids voting. We all know how many people voted for the dead gorilla in the 2016 election — which subsequently robbed Clinton of the presidency — and this would make these troublemakers to accidentally vote blue.
Henry Kissinger
Somehow this man is still alive so I guess he could still run for president. I really wish he wouldn’t though.
