This is one way to get people to attend homecoming events. graphic by Kyle Garrison

Is TU’s next mascot on the way?

In search of a new mascot, TU burns effigy of Captain Cane

After deciding to replace Captain Cane, Brad Carson has labored day in and day out to decide on a new mascot. In this process he sought to “come up with a mascot that better fits the target demographic of gamers and business majors.”

As a homecoming event this semester, the administration decided to give the bonfire tradition a new twist. In front of the library, the bonfire was prepared as normal with the exception of a mannequin wearing the Captain Cane suit placed on top. Before tossing the torch into the gasoline-doused pyre, Carson said to a ravenous audience all hyped up on “Rock You Like A Hurricane,” “Let the past die. Our future must burn brighter than this bonfire. We cannot let tradition hold us back.”

As his cape caught fire, Captain Cane went up in flames quickly due to the cheap materials used for the suit. The plume of smoke was briefly stained blue and then… nothing. He was gone. Perhaps he will return one day, when needed most.

Some students were uncomfortable with the display. Jessica, a sophomore art major explained, “I understand they are trying to change things up here, but it seemed a little more violent than necessary. It felt a little Salem.”

“I liked it, it felt like Salem,” said George, a pinstripe-suit-wearing Brad Carson groupie.

We contacted the student who usually wears the suit — who contractually must remain anonymous like they are some CIA agent installing “democracy” in South America. They expressed their concern with the display, “I am a little scared. This feels like a threat. Also, who knows if I’ll still have my job if they decide to make the mascot a robot or something a person can’t fit in.”

To help Brad Carson come up with ideas, we asked some students what their preferred mascot looked like. Surveying the gaming lounge, most responses can be summed up with one student’s response, “I hope it is an anime girl… ah shit, someone is giving out free Red Bulls, see ya loser.” In Rayzor Hall we got several suggestions in some way related to drones and military contractors. “How about a drone that shoots a bunch of missiles all around the place and drops bombs with t-shirts in them on civilians, I mean students?” suggested a computer science professor who has asked to remain anonymous because they actually work for the NSA and can’t become compromised.

Everyone asked in Chapman Hall suggested Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Ayn Rand or Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro advocates asked us to specify they “don’t mean a Ben Shapiro suit. The real one.” The Lenin and Marx fans wouldn’t stop arguing about the proper way to choose a mascot, while the Rand supporters forged the signatures of everyone in the building and sent a letter to Brad while they argued.

Every single person we asked in Helmrich responded with just “Patrick Bateman” and walked away.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison