My lovely future constituents,
Last week, I needed to blow my nose, so I picked up my first newspaper in months. Before I did the deed, I opened the Tulsa World and, to my suprise, Kevin Stitt’s face was plastered on it accompanied with the word “endorsement.”
Who knew papers would blatantly try to sway public opinion? With this newfound power comes responsibility. I can’t mislead my readers.
And so, my lovely audience, I am endorsing the only gubernatorial candidate that I think can do the job: me. So what if this is the day before the elections? There’s a write-in slot for a reason, and that reason is me.
Both candidates preach change. They argue that their form of change is the best course of action, whether it be for education reform or for a new perspective in the office. Every candidate always pushes for the same thing, saying they are some revolutionary for wanting change.
You know what? Change is overrated; I think Oklahoma is perfect just how she is. I went through school here, and look where I am now, preparing to be the next governor of the Sooner State!
I don’t have a new perspective either; while all candidates push for change, have you seen a single change made in the history of government over the last, say, 242 years? I think not.
Edmondson is known for having plenty of insider’s knowledge, while Stitt is praised for being a newcomer. I am the best of both worlds. I am a newcomer into the political arena, and I have insider knowledge of how to lead from a youth retreat I took in sixth grade.
The media are now known for being the enemy of the people. Every week politicians attack the “fake news” media, pointing out examples on both side of the aisle. And you know what? They are all right — currently. But how can the media spew lies about the administration if the administration is the one in charge of the media? Under my administration, the government and the news will be one.
Another problem the other candidates have is that they listen to the people. There are two main problems with this. The first is that there is never a way to listen to every one of your potential constituents in your short period of campaigning. The second, and more significant, problem is that people are idiots; they are just going to lead you astray. I solve this by listening to no one but myself: I know what’s best and that’s why I’m running.
So here’s how I am qualified. One time, I got an A- on a paper about why we should take all the guns and give them to the government to protect everyone. Another fact is that I’m, like, a great speaker: I only say “like” an average of 10 times a speech. Also, most important, I am a gazillionaire. As history has shown, money automatically makes anyone qualified for any position, especially on a national scale. Money can solve any problem. Worst case scenario, I make it rain on any issue that arises. Homelessness? Check. Education? Check. Internalized systematic racism, sexism and homophobia? Check.
Remember, go to the polls this Tuesday, November 6, to vote for the best candidate for the job: me.