Art is dead, and we do ourselves no favors in erasing the last vestiges of the Renaissance.
To anyone who frequently peruses The Collegian, it should be abundantly clear how depraved our society has become. The moral degradation of this nation never appears more obvious than in the vile filth present in this publication. Occasionally, we chance upon a light in the darkness, but with editorial staff drunkenly lambasting beautiful masterpieces of American cinema and outright libelous accusations of the heroically pro-life Governor Abbott incorporating “slut bounties” in Texas the message is clear. In normal times, conservative lions such as myself can wait for the appropriate moment to strike back at the liberal sheep, but I would argue that wokeness has now gone too far for such patience.
As a free speech warrior, cancel culture has always bothered me. However, it was not until the liberals canceled Mr. Potato Head’s most prominent appendage (turning him into the androgynous Potato Head we now suffer) that I felt obligated to push back. Phallic imagery has a long history in art and culture, and its absence puts us all on a dangerous path toward complete iniquity. Without such a strong presence at the head or artistic representation, we sacrifice the girthiness of our artistic boundaries. This movement first appeared in our sole cultural influences in ancient Greek and Roman art and most prominently in their revival during the Renaissance Era. Would not the beauty of the wonderfully adorned ceiling of the Sistine Chapel suffer if we removed the myriad members protruding from those heavenly bodies? We must fight to restore the ubiquity of the inspirational anatomy that once plowed its way through all of our visual art.
Importantly, this battle begins right at home. Richard Johnson, the sculptor of the Tulsa Driller, endowed his magnum opus well with a magnificently detailed centerpiece situated below his belt. He pounded away for hours to perfect every detail in this addition so that, once erected, the aptly-named Driller would stand in all his naked glory towering over the people of Tulsa. Ultimately, however, liberal activist groups forced his hand, and he had to jerk off the Driller’s most impressive aspect. Now, the Driller we all know stands limp as a flaccid bastardization of the artist’s intent.
Conservatives everywhere, especially men as most of you are, this should serve as a rallying call to incite you all into action. We can no longer sit idly and allow political correctness to perpetually cuckold us. Liberals will tell you that this nation comprises a smorgasbord of cultural influences, but herein lies one of our greatest contributions to the modern world: our ability to sustain such erections. Our activism, like all else’s, lies replete with gaffes and boners, but we cannot afford to lose this battle. This fight is just the tip, and we can no longer allow ourselves to get the shaft in cultural warfare. As it all keeps coming, we must stay vigilant in our pursuit to press deeper into the fight until we hit the spot of sweet bliss and can stand proud knowing we have finished in our efforts. Conservatives, rise, stand tall and stick out so that we may once and for all, give the Driller his dick back.
