Man-eating plants take over campus

The university received a shock last week when reports of giant, man-eating plants swept the campus. Amidst the confusion, writers at the State-Run Media managed to contact a student who claims to understand where it all started.

“It was at last week’s Tri-Beta plant sale,” says biology student and horticulture enthusiast Ashley Krelnik. “I go every year to see what kind of weird and exotic plants they have for sale. ‘Cause they know, you see, strange plants are my hobby.”

“On this one particular day, they didn’t really have anything that stood out to me,” reports Krelnik. “I was on my way to the Faculty of Language when all of a sudden it got real dark,” Krelnik says, referring to the sudden and unexpected total eclipse of the sun the week of the plant sale.

“I heard a strange humming sound, and when I turned back around, a plant caught my eye that hadn’t been there before. The students running the sale said they didn’t recognize it, but they sold it to me anyway.”

Reportedly, the plant did not take well once in Krelnik’s dorm. “I gave it sunshine, I gave it dirt, but it gave me nothing,” Krelnik reports, “Then, I accidentally pricked my finger on one of its thorns.”

Krelnik’s plant responded to the blood, he says, and after a few drops reportedly perked up immediately. Things took a dark turn, though, as Krelnik reports. “I had to give the plant more and more blood as it grew, and eventually it needed more than I could give…” A few days after our interview, Krelnik’s roommate, who reportedly never picked up his dirty laundry, disappeared.

Cases like Krelnik’s have cropped up all around campus in the weeks following Tri-Beta’s annual plant sale. Complaints of anemia have become frequent at the Health Center, followed by the sudden absence of those kids in class who never shut up during discussion.

Tri-Beta member and graphic design student Pat Martin spoke with State-Run reporters on the club’s behalf. “Everything we sold was clipped from this strange and exotic venus flytrap we found in the Oliphant greenhouse one day,” said Martin in an official press statement, “We meant absolutely no harm in selling these plants, but it does seem they have a taste for human flesh.”

Students are advised not to feed these plants any more blood, and to destroy them immediately if they begin singing songs recommending you kill your love interest’s boyfriend.

Post Author: tucollegian

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